whatever!
hello??!! (echo echo....)
here's the scoop...
on monday, i'm going into a transition home. My mother's new favorite past time is to tear a strip off me and come to me the next morning talking about "i love you" hug, hug, kiss kiss. Classic abusive behaviour if you ask me. When I say "tear a strip", I MEAN it.
Screaming, swearing, hitting her head...
In june, I got into a fight with this man and the next night, I was in the hospital post seizure & loss of consciousness with heart arythmia. I am extremely sensitive to fights, to the point that I react physically.
I can't physically handle this type of energy. It's too much for me.
I love the farm, but it just wasn't meant to be right now.
hello??!! (echo echo....)
here's the scoop...
on monday, i'm going into a transition home. My mother's new favorite past time is to tear a strip off me and come to me the next morning talking about "i love you" hug, hug, kiss kiss. Classic abusive behaviour if you ask me. When I say "tear a strip", I MEAN it.
Screaming, swearing, hitting her head...
In june, I got into a fight with this man and the next night, I was in the hospital post seizure & loss of consciousness with heart arythmia. I am extremely sensitive to fights, to the point that I react physically.
I can't physically handle this type of energy. It's too much for me.
I love the farm, but it just wasn't meant to be right now.
it is really super hot here and I am totally roasting! I have developped an awful rash in certain, ahem, fluffier parts of my body and corn starch has become my new very bestest friend. Got myself in to a touch of an intimate pickle, if you will. passion is a randy thing that must be controlled.
Things are totally over with ash and I. Obviuously, since I am in new waters, but even when the guy touches me, it feels like a dead fish on my arm. There is a bond and love that is really in place. We also find it very important that we do things OUR way. i find society very eager to encourage divorce. It is sad, really. Anyways, we are very close and it is working out great, at the moment. With him, things change moment to moment.
It is strange that my family thinks that something is WRONG with me. This is the first time in my adult life where I have begun to be accountable to ME and not others. I am finding my own power and my own voice and man is my family kicking and screaming. interestingly, there are less fights now then there were before. Maybe my detachment has scared them? When i say family, i am referring to my mom, my sister, his mom and him. Not my kids. Well, they are family, but not the part that is spazzing on me.
Wait a fucking second!!!! katie is, GASP! happy!!! oh nooooooooooo.... we must stop this! stop it at once. Can't have any happiness around here.
IT really huirts me that I was totally left to my own devices when I was suffering from PPD, but katie gains herself a touch of freedom and shit hits the fan. Does support only come in the face of a challenge or when it is really required?
As far as dating with kids, i take it one situation at a time. Since the man I am with is from my temple and the kids already know him, we are not bieng secretive with the kids. With the congregation, yes, but not them. I'm not sure it is practical to say "my kids will never meet my guy until we are planning marriage".
"Hi kids, my name is jack and I'm gonna be your new daddy". Not very inclusive... I think that mood is sweet, but it will do more harm than good. I think the priority should be on the biological parents getting along, vs the parent worrying about the new partner.
Amazes me how close chaya is with him. She is like his shadow. Sterling is opening up, but he is feeling threatened. Last weekend they had a soccer game and yesterday, sterling got a back massage and he was in heaven.
Tulsi was really sick and had to have 2 operations. SHe is better now, but we have no idea what happened to her, to the tune of 310$ That money could have so nicely been invested into my business, but responsiblity prevails.
My jewellery has really taken a design curve for the better. They are doing quite well. Soon, Namaste Body Craft will be on the cover of People magazine. Mark my words. I'm on to something huge here, and I am really looking forward to it exploding.
I start the forum Friday morning. Really looking forward to it. I am totally open to allowing whatever insight they might have to help chip away the bullshit that blocks me in life.
i have really gotten the essence of having a life. I literally force myself onto this dumb machine. The way I used to use the puter does denote to me that I didn't have a life and gives me the ability to feel that anyone else who is willingly chained to their puter desk, too, does not have a life. It is difficult to see life through anything else other than your own filter. I do feel succesful that I kicked the puter habit. It was overwhelming and I didn't want to accept that I might just be addicted. That is a heavy word, but it's the truth. Out comes the sun, a new love and camping trips and the mundane bullshit that goes on on the web takes a serious back seat. Why do people (read: me, before) really give a rats ass what is going on over *there*? It's totally nust. i think it might stem from feeling a deep lonliness and lack of control in ones own life, therefor that energy is projected out. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. Maybe people are so disconnected from reality that they are unable to look someone in the eyes and carry on a conversation. It has to be done with keyboard firmly planted in hand.
I spend this time typing. Why would I be focussing on ripping someone else apart? This time should be spent on me talking about ME. ME mE mE and myself. Thsi is walking in truth and dealing with what really matters in life. There is an art to living and coincidentally, an art to dying. Every moment I wasted sitting at this damn desk drained a moment that millions of $$ could never return to me.
I do enjoy my diary. I enjoy writing here what silly little thought pass through my brain. Thought are like clouds for me. Always changing shape, direction, coming and going.
What do I want out of life i want my life to COUNT. I want the dash between jan 12th 74- date of death to really have substance. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I want more on my tombstone then "she got alot of hugs online".
This is TIME. This comodity cannot be harnessed or returned but it can sure as hell be wasted and misused.
man, the bliss just never ends! i am truly elated about moving there. I am just trying to make it a possibility to get my jalopy there. i will be needing transport. Oh, and yes my kids are joining me. Ash is NOT happy but he too can bite my ass. He has no problems taking himself away form the kids to go on tour but he is grumbling about my going to saranagati. Control freak.
I am moving to the farm for a month starting august 2nd and returning mid september
I am sooooooooooooo blissed out!!!! this is my dream and it's happening. Yeeeeeehaw!!!!!!!!! I will be off motherfucking line for a month and nothing makes me happier! well, i think i will be able to pop in at the school to check my e mail, but other than that, aol can bite my ass.
