whatever!

2004-01-23T14:06:00.000-08:00

hello??!! (echo echo....)

here's the scoop...

on monday, i'm going into a transition home. My mother's new favorite past time is to tear a strip off me and come to me the next morning talking about "i love you" hug, hug, kiss kiss. Classic abusive behaviour if you ask me. When I say "tear a strip", I MEAN it.
Screaming, swearing, hitting her head...

In june, I got into a fight with this man and the next night, I was in the hospital post seizure & loss of consciousness with heart arythmia. I am extremely sensitive to fights, to the point that I react physically.

I can't physically handle this type of energy. It's too much for me.

I love the farm, but it just wasn't meant to be right now.

2004-01-23T14:04:00.000-08:00

2002-07-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

it is really super hot here and I am totally roasting! I have developped an awful rash in certain, ahem, fluffier parts of my body and corn starch has become my new very bestest friend. Got myself in to a touch of an intimate pickle, if you will. passion is a randy thing that must be controlled.

Things are totally over with ash and I. Obviuously, since I am in new waters, but even when the guy touches me, it feels like a dead fish on my arm. There is a bond and love that is really in place. We also find it very important that we do things OUR way. i find society very eager to encourage divorce. It is sad, really. Anyways, we are very close and it is working out great, at the moment. With him, things change moment to moment.

It is strange that my family thinks that something is WRONG with me. This is the first time in my adult life where I have begun to be accountable to ME and not others. I am finding my own power and my own voice and man is my family kicking and screaming. interestingly, there are less fights now then there were before. Maybe my detachment has scared them? When i say family, i am referring to my mom, my sister, his mom and him. Not my kids. Well, they are family, but not the part that is spazzing on me.

Wait a fucking second!!!! katie is, GASP! happy!!! oh nooooooooooo.... we must stop this! stop it at once. Can't have any happiness around here.

IT really huirts me that I was totally left to my own devices when I was suffering from PPD, but katie gains herself a touch of freedom and shit hits the fan. Does support only come in the face of a challenge or when it is really required?

As far as dating with kids, i take it one situation at a time. Since the man I am with is from my temple and the kids already know him, we are not bieng secretive with the kids. With the congregation, yes, but not them. I'm not sure it is practical to say "my kids will never meet my guy until we are planning marriage".
"Hi kids, my name is jack and I'm gonna be your new daddy". Not very inclusive... I think that mood is sweet, but it will do more harm than good. I think the priority should be on the biological parents getting along, vs the parent worrying about the new partner.
Amazes me how close chaya is with him. She is like his shadow. Sterling is opening up, but he is feeling threatened. Last weekend they had a soccer game and yesterday, sterling got a back massage and he was in heaven.

Tulsi was really sick and had to have 2 operations. SHe is better now, but we have no idea what happened to her, to the tune of 310$ That money could have so nicely been invested into my business, but responsiblity prevails.

My jewellery has really taken a design curve for the better. They are doing quite well. Soon, Namaste Body Craft will be on the cover of People magazine. Mark my words. I'm on to something huge here, and I am really looking forward to it exploding.

I start the forum Friday morning. Really looking forward to it. I am totally open to allowing whatever insight they might have to help chip away the bullshit that blocks me in life.

2002-07-21T12:25:00.000-07:00

i have really gotten the essence of having a life. I literally force myself onto this dumb machine. The way I used to use the puter does denote to me that I didn't have a life and gives me the ability to feel that anyone else who is willingly chained to their puter desk, too, does not have a life. It is difficult to see life through anything else other than your own filter. I do feel succesful that I kicked the puter habit. It was overwhelming and I didn't want to accept that I might just be addicted. That is a heavy word, but it's the truth. Out comes the sun, a new love and camping trips and the mundane bullshit that goes on on the web takes a serious back seat. Why do people (read: me, before) really give a rats ass what is going on over *there*? It's totally nust. i think it might stem from feeling a deep lonliness and lack of control in ones own life, therefor that energy is projected out. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe I'm right. Maybe people are so disconnected from reality that they are unable to look someone in the eyes and carry on a conversation. It has to be done with keyboard firmly planted in hand.

I spend this time typing. Why would I be focussing on ripping someone else apart? This time should be spent on me talking about ME. ME mE mE and myself. Thsi is walking in truth and dealing with what really matters in life. There is an art to living and coincidentally, an art to dying. Every moment I wasted sitting at this damn desk drained a moment that millions of $$ could never return to me.

I do enjoy my diary. I enjoy writing here what silly little thought pass through my brain. Thought are like clouds for me. Always changing shape, direction, coming and going.

What do I want out of life i want my life to COUNT. I want the dash between jan 12th 74- date of death to really have substance. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I want more on my tombstone then "she got alot of hugs online".

This is TIME. This comodity cannot be harnessed or returned but it can sure as hell be wasted and misused.

2002-07-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

man, the bliss just never ends! i am truly elated about moving there. I am just trying to make it a possibility to get my jalopy there. i will be needing transport. Oh, and yes my kids are joining me. Ash is NOT happy but he too can bite my ass. He has no problems taking himself away form the kids to go on tour but he is grumbling about my going to saranagati. Control freak.

2002-07-09T16:58:00.000-07:00

I am moving to the farm for a month starting august 2nd and returning mid september

I am sooooooooooooo blissed out!!!! this is my dream and it's happening. Yeeeeeehaw!!!!!!!!! I will be off motherfucking line for a month and nothing makes me happier! well, i think i will be able to pop in at the school to check my e mail, but other than that, aol can bite my ass.

2002-07-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

where the hell have i been? well, lets just say I don't even reconize my own house and I have to completely relearn how to use this damn machine. SO much has happened in the last month and i am still trying to piece everything together. All in all I feel good about life and God and a little ok about the Love dept. I have been camping every weekend. 3 times to the temple farm and once to seattle where we camped in Everette and then did a farmers market in fremont when we were supposed to do the fremont fleamarket but it wound up being this awesome fremont fair which we couldn't set up at. Sigh... that was a fiasco and a 1/2.

I did go off and fall in love... again. Total love junkie, I am. I should have left it at the beginning stages, but i allowed it to get a little (yes, a little) intimate. Things hit the fan yesterday, so a bit of a break is being taken. I am learning some real lessons in humility, vengeance, envy and God. We must maintain humility. Vengeance is a very, very ugly trait. Envy is sheer poison and God is the Supreme, I am not. I am dealing with a very, very ugly ex wife who is out for blood and has stopped, virtually at nothing, to make my #4's life a hell. I don't understand why women, especially knowlegeable devotee women would behave this way. She is vicious and her kids are suffering 100%.

he is a lovely man but my abandonment issues reared their ugly head and I reacted in the only way i know how... reject him. He's gone to the farm for a few days so when he gets home, we;ll have to take a look at life. I thought I was big and tough and could tell him to go away and be ok about it... Right.
I wound up at his trailer (that normally is at the farm but is in town for servicing) and stole his chudder (idian wool wrap used as a coat) and Kurta (idian shirt for men). I actually sat there and smelled them and my heart hurt. Relationships are nothing but a recipe for pain. I should run. I know I should. What sseems sweet in the beginning always turns to poison.

We have been friends since i joined the movement. he was married and so was I. In febuary I found out that ash had an affair and 2 weeks later he found out that his wife had an affiar. The next morning I went to the temple specifically to see him. i knew he would be there. I saw him and said "lets go talk". thus started the beginning of our more serious friendship. We spoke almost daily. he and his wife decided to try to make things work. At the very least, for the family. (She left him for a man 14 years her junior!!! I am 23 years his junior) Then something happened and she chose to go back to her lover. My friends world was tossed into a spin and I continued to remain his friend with ONLY friendship intentions.

We hung out quite a bit and got along like a house on fire. One night he took me to a party at a friends house and he was talking to me about something and I felt my heart do this little flip and I thought to myself "oh SHIT!!!! I just fell in love!" But I was ok with not telling him. I was actually 100% commited to never saying a word to him about it! lol Well 2 nights later it was the Sunday feast and i resolved to tell him that, yes, there were feelings and I could see that they were mutual but that I did not want anything to change. They had to stay EXACTLY the same. Well, I chickened out. I didn't say a word to him.

The next day we went to Bellingham and he wound up bringing it up with me. That worked out great for my false ego! lol I acknowledged that there were definately feelings there but that I wanted NOTHING to get weird or to change. We agreed.
Come on! He had JUST left his marriage eventhough she had emotionally left it 2 years earlier. Anyways, I KNEW KNEW KNEW better. But the heart has a way of doing what the hell it wants regardless of sense. Things slowly plugged forward and the next weekend, me, the kids and the dog went to the farm with him. This was our first intimate episode. It was lovely and right. ANd then it was lovely and right again the next night. (rrrrrroowwwwwrrrrrrrr *giggle*) The real kicker for me was that Chaya just LOVES him!!!! THey have such a sweet realtionship. Normally she hates men and wants nothing to do with them but there is some sort of Karma between them that they are both honouring. Sterling has very little use for him. Strange b/c he is more like a dog in that area. Throw a ball with sterling and he is your best friend. But they manage.

It turns out that he had actually had an attraction to me since he met me but he was married. period. Hindsight is 20/20 and i can see that I also had an attraction although deeply burried by my subconscious. Everythign happens for a reason.

i am planning to move to the farm. it just feels right there. There is a very big family that is moving there and they are setting up a yoga center. they need a head priest and will be facilitating cottage industries so i will fit perfectly. hopefully ash will move there or close by. I refuse to alter my dreams/destiny so he can stay here and go to the bar with his friends. If things work out between me and my guy friend, we would build a log cabin on his acreage there. mmmmmmmmmm.... my bliss!!!! Time will tell.

The kids are great. Chaya's attitude is getting HUGE!!!!!!!!! Sterling just had his b day on the 3rd. Big *six*. The dog had to have a cyst removed form her side 2 days ago. 300$ later (thank god for mil's visa!) I am making these AMAZING bgracelets with nepalese beads, african wedding silver trade beads and indian bells. They are SO cool! I sold 7 of them in seattle at the farmers market. That brought me 150$ canadian! VERY good money! Alot of positive feedback on them.

that's it for now. I might be back toimorrow or I might be back never. I'm just putting one foot infront of the other right now.

2002-06-20T18:33:00.000-07:00

I registered for the Landmark Forum. i am SO SO SO SO SO SO SO excited, man! I was using the kids as an excuse to not go. i finally bit the bullet, registered and then promptly left for an overnight camping trip WITHOUT my kids!!!! And the amazing thing was that they were perfectly FINE! I was hemming and hawing about leaving chaya but ash said "just go. she'll be with me and she'll be fine". Well apparently, the little dear didn't even mention me once! The forum is 3.5 days of intensive workshops. My family is rallying around to support me and I am so thankful.

I take the course in july, at the end, and i am SO looking forward to it. I highly reccomend that you attend a free intro evening. This life skills education is brilliant and so bang on. i love it.

I realize that I have this racket that disables me from "going the mile" with someone, especially if *I* am upset. Somewhere along the line I made this commitment to myself that "I am not worth it". It is prolly indoctrination from being a child of a man that was left in a crib for 7 months before his adoption. when i say going the mole, i mean that i am too insecure to really speak about the core of my hurt feelings. I always develop this thick skin that convinces me that I'm not hurting.

2002-06-18T11:29:00.000-07:00

I'm on the moon. Things are so strange right now, but good. The kids are great. I am great. My heart is great, but it's all temporary, so what is the use of letting the glee enter the heart too much?

I have been camping 2 weekends in a row at my temple farm in Ashcroft BC. I am moving there, God willing. It is SO SOSOSOOSOSOSOSOSO beautiful. There was an Ox living 20 feet from my cabin and chaya was completely mezmerised by it. I had to run and GRAB her from Ram, the ox, because she was in some sort of St Francis hypnosis. Sterling is way too much of a city slicker, but he'll adjust. It is so remote up there. Very little electricity and the devotees communicate over 2000 acre farm by radio. It just feels nomal to me up there. People are dealing with each other on a NORMAL level. Not eyeing each others clothes, cels, palm pilots, etc... They are looking in one anothers eyes and having serious human relationships centered around serving Krishna and living off the land. high thinking, simple living. I love it there. We are heading back in 2 weeks. krista, get yer shit together! Castlegar???!!!!!!

2002-06-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

a dose of your own medicine doesn't really taste so good, does it?

just amazes me how one can dish out SO SO SO much shit to others and then pitch a fit and stomp off when the same energy comes rolling back. This is immature. Grow up.

2002-05-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

i seem to remember the term "spare the rod, spoil the child" being dissected and it's actual meaning NOT being "if you don't hit, you will get a spoiled child". Can someone break it down for me? I heard the term used the other day and I wanted to correct the person, but didn't have the facts. Thanks.

Things are crazy here. i am not settled enough to sit and write it all out.

2002-05-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

lessee....

midwifery photo cunt
Radhe
turrets syndrome
birth photos
sneeze gotta (???)
"daughter pee" (riiiiiight)

these are my friendly neighbourhood searches.

Ya, and *I* am weird for letting my kid pee in a sink in a dirty bathroom...

2002-05-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

It has been an intense few days. i fractured my foot last night at the temple. it's ok, but very sore and bruised. Chaya and I both went to the chiro today and she got some cranial-sacral thereapy for her head bang from Saturday. She is ok, and the egg on the side of her head is going down. Poor baby.

I have been in a mental vortex lately. So many things are changing and it's kinda scary but a good practice in surrender. I always have to remember that I am not this body and that trying to please myself, thus side-stepping the ultimate goal, is a recipe for destruction.

I went to this HUGE Buddhist monastery yesterday. It was SO peaceful and commanded much awe and reverence. Very serene vibe and the decor... WOW!! very beautiful. I realized that I no longer have this awe and reverence for my temple and that I have to harness it. Very easy to become familliar and very damaging. I think this is what happenes in marriages. Well, some of them, anyways. We become familliar and start to believe that our partner is expendible. What is the solution?

I sometimes wonder if we make the mistake of putting all our tofu-eggs in one (our partners) basket? Do we have this unrealistice expectation that *ONE* person is going to fulfill us completely? I look to the "old" country and it seems that the men had their tribe and the women had their tribe and never the twain did meet. It's like the older cultures KNOW the position of all parties involved. I just think that we have grown unrealistic expectaions and many marriage and families are suffering due to this.

shit.. what the hell do I know?

2002-05-25T17:26:00.000-07:00

well, the girl is back on the rollercoaster! As long as it stays in honeymoon faze, I'm happy. We are doin git undercover, tho, as certain members of our temple would not be too too happy.

2002-05-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

I nearly ran over chaya today and killed my little girl. I am SUCH an asshole! Lets just say I learned a HUGE lesson and that my girl is fine with only a bump and scrape on her pretty littel head.

God, i am such an asshole. :-(

2002-05-24T21:06:00.000-07:00

i wish people would educate themselves before speaking

i have a pit bull and she gets ALOT of attention. Mainly positive, but some people, really commited to getting their education from 20/20, really piss me off.
Yes, I know she is a pitt bull.
yes, I know what the media has said.
No, she will not eat my childs head.
yes, she is an amazing family dog.
No, she doesn't bite.
yes, she is very high energy.
No, she isn't vicious.
No, I don't beat her.
yes, i trust her with my kids. As a matter of fact, I feel more comfortable having her around my kids than not.
Jeeze...

2002-05-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

well, the drama just thickened. He said, she said, he said, she said... sigh. This is waaaaaaaaay too much. I'm jumping ship before it gets any uglier. Fuck, some people are really stupid and totally unable to see what the truth is. More concerned with taking a small piece of info, making it about them, commiting to the bullshit and then running with it all the while dragging many people down with it.

2002-05-24T16:49:00.001-07:00

New billboards are getting attention in Cleveland. Some reported seeing
one
or two messages, but the newspaper listed all of them. Here's a list of
all
variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. The billboards are a simple
black
background with white text. No fine print or sponsoring organization is
included. These are awesome... enjoy.

Tell the kids I love them.
-God

Let's meet at my house Sunday
before the game.
-God

C'mon over and bring the kids.
-God

What part of "Thou Shalt Not..."
didn't you understand?
-God

We need to talk.
-God

Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer.
-God

Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage.
-God

That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing...
I meant it.
-God

I love you and you and you and you and...
-God

Will the road you're on get you to my place?
-God

Follow me.
-God

Big bang theory,
you've got to be kidding.
-God

My way is the highway.
-God

Need directions?
-God

You think it's hot here?
-God

Have you read my #1 best seller?
There will be a test.
-God

Do you have any idea
where you're going?
-God

(And my personal favorite...)

Don't make me come down there.
-God

2002-05-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

i went to the MECCA of beads yesterday. OMG.... I was in bliss! I bought that memory wire to make bracelets and all sorts of fancy beads. I spent 90$ at a warehouse! That is a TON of beads... I can't wait to get at them.

my world is spinning very fast right now. I have to take a time out and check reality. I don't know what I want. My desire to be in the "in love" period came at me full swing and i don't think I handled it as casually as I would have liked to. Oh well. C'est la vie, man. Something really big is shifting inside of me and maybe i am super lucky to have a mate who just doesn't really care what I do, thus entitling me to just do what I want.

We'll see where this drama goes. I better watch what the hell I pray for b/c I JUST might get it!

2002-05-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was *virtually* a gossip free day. It was really great to go to bed thinking "i feel great that nobody was harmed in the live action chit chatting I did today." Interestingly enough, there was PLENTY to talk about without slashing someone else. Not like I sit around slashing people, but my mind can really get caught in a fault-finding groove.

I spent the entire day with #4. We actually did wind up talking but it wasn’t by my encouragement. He approached it, but I picked up the ball and ran with it. I told him that I really liked him, but this just isn’t the time and I didn’t want my feelings to get in the way of a really nice friendship. He totally concurred. Then a few hours later, things got a touch weird and I went home to get the kids.

When I got back I said that that weirdness was exactly what I didn’t want. I wanted to be free in this friendship. Only 2 people really enjoying each other’s company in a very organic way. Allowing the feelings to move through the body instead of being restricted at any certain point. After the weirdness we talked and cleared it all up. It was such a relief and it was so great to talk to someone on that level and have them GET IT. We went on to have a great night at the beach with the kids. Chaya totally likes him, but mind you, she has known of him all her life. She does not not not like men. Nope not one little bit. It really takes a spectacular man to allow chaya to be comfortable with him. He says that she is more affectionate with him that his own little girl is. It just blew me away repeatedly watching her just chill with him and ask him for things instead of me.

Something else I noticed... the power of POSITIVE speech versus negative.

An elder devotee in my community walked me through something called the Alexander Technique. Heard of it? It is SO great! It has to do with deep relaxation/meditation. The idea is that the body has a memory and a computer, but our brain is too busy running the show in order to let our body do it's thing. Once we remove the obstacle of the brain, the body/spine have an opportunity to return itself to it's natural position through subtle adjustments. Initially, I thought "riiiiiiiiight". By my laying here, my back and neck are going to adjust itself?" Well, it did! It was sooo cool!

First, we lay on a flat surface with our knees and feet raised. If we were propped up, it would look like we were sitting in a straight back chair. We first allowed the energy to leave our feet, then legs, then knees, etc... After my body was released, I was left with something very interesting. Bear with me while I get through the explanation...
I was left with this feeling of a black dunce cap shaped energy holding onto my brain, and it extended upwards. I realized that this was my stress and bad thoughts. It actually felt like I had a tremendous weight on my head and it was black. I couldn’t really feel my body b/c it had relaxed into the floor, just my heavy brain.

Recently I bought a poonani sponge that after you remove it, you squeeze the content into the sink (or in my case, a M.F. cocktail for my plants). I couldn’t get over how neat it was that after one squeeze, the fluid was almost completely gone. I pictured my brain as a sea sponge and I was squeezing all the negativity, bad thoughts, stress, anxiety and other crap out of it. It worked immediately!

As I went through the meditation, sometimes my mind would grab onto a thought and I would just visualize my hand squeezing the sponge and I would be released from my thought. I would also visualize the sponge in the shape of something meaningful to me opening up and absorbing positive, light, Krishna Conscious thoughts.

Suddenly, I felt this swoosh through my body. I felt it a couple of times in the 15 minutes. Those were my adjustments. I could feel the difference after I sat up. My spine spent 15 minutes being erect and strong and that is what it wanted to do after. I didn’t slouch, stoop or cross my legs or arms, as these are all chi blockers.

The thing that stood out for me the most was when my friend would use a negative suggestion fro visualization. “Don’t …” etc… Suddenly, from that negative suggestion, my brain had to struggle to translate it b/c I felt like I had been given an order and my brain only heard the negative aspect. I think it is CRUCIAL to say things in daily life like “please walk. (don’t run). Come here (don’t go there). Don’t hang on (let go) etc… IN this way, the brain gets a very clear direct order that it does not have to translate. It is very possible to turn almost everything into a positive statement and keep it away from negative.

I learned about this a few years ago and I have always really liked it but I never GOT IT like I did the other night. My mind was so vulnerable and surrendered and I had to struggle with the negative comment.

You should try this exercise.

2002-05-22T02:07:00.000-07:00

I have this horrible habit of putting the phone in the crook of my neck while doing something tedious with my hands, like beading. I have SUCH a sore fucking neck today. I feel like my left arm and neck side are paralyzed. I bullied me friend into a massage. lol... Actually, I bribed him. We were in the mall for juice and there was this aromatherapy store where I used to work and they had one of those massage chairs. I got peter in there first and gave him a great massage and then it was MY turn!!!!!!!!! He has big, strong hands and he really got inot the knot in my shoulder, but I can still feel it.

Chiro...

I have had a real shot of reality today. So many things happening and I came to the very strong decision that I HAVE to stop gossiping. It has been buzzing around my head for a while and I may have even blogged about it, but it has to stop. We are all just spirit souls plugging away at life and doing our best. Some of our bests are better than others, but that is ok.

Gossiping about someone else is like negative Reiki. it is sending ill will instead of well wishes. What kind of community (online and more importantly, IRL) are we supposed to build if everyone is standing in line to grab the knife to jam it into one anothers back. I am referring more to my real life temple community than this horsey ride online.

I am going to make myself a vow to honour the people in my life and think think think before I speak. I never feel good when I speak ill of someone. Never, but why do i do it? What GOOD does it do? It hurts them, subtely and sometimes grossly and more importantly, makes me feel like crap. I want to get my mind on a tight rope and start taking control of myself like I had when I was a child. So much purety and strength is found in babies. I want to regain control of my habits, by thoughts and my actions. I dont' want a scapegoat anymore. I want to live this life in truth and honour. man, I sound like Mr Igles off Little house.. :P

Ramble on..
sing my song...

2002-05-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

i didn't sleep well. My heart is really sore for Red. I can only imagine the pain she is suffering right now. This girl is one tough cookie and I think she will be a powershouse for her babies. I just wish her so much strength through this chapter in her life.
(((((((red)))))))

2002-05-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know Red, her husband has sustained what is thought to be a major heart attack and has been pronounced brain dead. He will most likely be removed from life support tomorrow.

Please send her strength to get through this time with her babies.

I am so sorry, Red.

2002-05-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

AH!!! West coast mamas! There is a strong possibility that I will be driving down to California, LA to be exact, in early august. We will also be stopping in Eugene for a visit. Let me know!!

2002-05-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

I did the herbal body wrap today to LOSE INCHES!!! well, it didn't work quite like what it was supposed to, I guess. I still measured the same. Mind you, I didn't put the plastic suit on and I didn't get to do as much exercise as I should have. Anyways, I was sent home with 4 batches, so I will try try try again!

Here is Dana'sbirth story and photos. She is such a precioius little dolly! I am so proud of you Dana!

I think i am going to take the leap and speak to # 4 and say that I sense an attraction but I don't want us to ge all fucked up about it. I enjoy the time spent together, but anythign beyond that is a recipe for hell. i am actually excited about taking a situation and talking about it instead of my customary ostrich technique.

2002-05-18T23:45:00.000-07:00

So, my kids and I are at a friends place for her Brahminical initiation (she becomes a Vedic Priest, loosely translated) and her kids' vedic baptism. All is going really well; My spiritual master is there and my friends are there, lots of food and music.
Suddenly, 2 adults run to me to tell me that my 3 year old daughter has just told someone to FUCK OFF!!! Ironically enough, the first thing I thought was "holy fuck". The woman sitting next to me leans over and says "do you speak to them that way at home?". Ummmmmmm. NOOOOO!!!!! Need I remind her that it is HER son that was kicked out of class in grade 1 for talking about sex? Is she insinuating that she and her (14 years younger than her) lover have sex infront of him? I think that shook me more than my kid actually saying that. I was floored.
I barely swear in my daily speech. i don't like it. Never have. Ash, on the other hand, is a potty mouth. Let me tell you the first thing I did after having a little chit chat with chaya, I called her daddy and had a few choice words with him. i was so totally embarassed and if there was a rock big enough, you would have found me pitching a tent under it. As usual, he spent the entire time justifying and denying. VERY annoying to deal with.

That was an awful experience... Very humbling, in a not so good way.

I am such a "falling in love" slut. i am in love with falling in love. That is such a Gemini trait and I realize that I really have it. I have, yet again, become smitten. i can't let it go past smitten base b/c... well, just because i can't. I really love the flirting, the eye contact, brushing of hands, phone calls, thoughts and all that silly stuff. The kind of things that make you take a second look in the mirror before heading out. I love having crushes. I get them pretty often and it keeps me busy and sadly, happy. Fortunately, or not, i am blessed with a man who does not have a jealous bone on his body. He doesn't care if I stray, so why should i reamain faithful, even if it is just in my mind. yes, most of this is fantasy, but what are my choices? it isn't like he is available for me right now.

I don't really want anything to go past the cruch stage b/c then it gets too sticky and I don't like sticky.

I am starting to distinguish physical crushes from mental crushes. I currently have one mental and 3 physical. 2 boys and 2 girls. It's great!! I hugged my one girlfriend the other day and my heart just LEAPED into my throat!! She is a midwife and i totally think she is awesome and amazingly attractive. My other girl friend reminds me of a lion. I totally think she is great and totally cute. I like the way she smells. My other friend is the one that I remounced a few entries ago, but we hung out and i realized that I am totally physically attracted to him, but I need him to NOT TALK in order for me to enjoy my attraction. lol

Last night at this birthday party, i was talking to my #4 and all of the sudden I felt this little click inside of me and I thought "oh shit, I feel in love just there". But it isn't a physical attraction. i was totally mesmerized by his voice and what he was saying. Tomorrow, we are going to the beach with the kids.

sigh...

2002-05-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

I have this strange anxiety disorder thingy and i was talking to my friend today about it and I realized that it must come from being left to CIO as a baby.

If I am standing with a group of people or a single person and I leave the room and come back and the people or person are gone, I feel really, really anxious. I get kinda scared and feel very alone. I was exploring this today with my friend and I think it must be from not being listened to as a baby. *shrug*

Gloria's letter made it to the editor of the pique newspaper in Whistler.You need to scroll down a page or 2 to find it. It is a very powerful and pointed letter.

2002-05-16T20:08:00.000-07:00

court was intense.

they are lying and glorias screamed at their lawyer in the hall during break.

She might get 2 mos house arrest or 9 mos jail time. Wait wait wait...

I had this realization today...

I wonder if the media DIRECTLY influences the insanity that is played out in real hospital rooms and occasionally in bedrooms? I thought about this after I reflected on my reaction after learning what ash did. After I read the letter, i went pretty numb. I started to react EXACTLY how I saw in the movies.

I wonder if our young girls have been so bombarded with media flashes of women screaming in childbirth that they grow to believe this is how birth really should be?

2002-05-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

A funny thing I noticed about my poonani sponge...

My period only lasted 48 hours vs. the regular 5 days. I guess it SPONGEs everything up instead of it trickling out for the lsat few days. pretty cool.

My spiritual master was in town and we had a meeting yesterday. It was really nice. I always like to see him.

Today I'm going to court to support Gloria. Her case is today and tomorrow so I'll see how much time i can get to be in the court house. This is really exciting.

My necklaces are so popular here!! I need to start marketing them better, methinks.

I am not really interested int he puter right now, so I might be scarce.

2002-05-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling really lethargic lately. My mom keeps telling me how pale I look. Wonder if I am getting a touch of the cycle anemia?

I am really struggling with this...

I believe in UC 100%. I believe that women KNOW how to birth and they KNOW when something isn't going right. I figured this out along my path in midwifery. So my problem is..
Where do I fit? How do I support midwifery attended childbirth when all I want is for the woman to do it on her own. I have a real hard time compromising decisions I have made. Maybe THAT is what I need to work on and not midwifery vs. UC at all. I just love birthing women and eventually, i will need to make an income.

Maybe I was so hurt by the medical system and supposed "birth experts" that I don't trust them and I have swung too far in the othe direction?

When I say UC, I mean having support there who have taken a vow of silence during the birthing process. Shall we talk about interventions? I feel that someone speaking to a birthing woman is intervening. Shattering the strength of thousands of women before her rallying together to lend her knowledge.

But having someone there who "know" about birth is STILL undermining themothers strength. It is still her saying "I don't know what to do". Unless the mother is sick, i don't get this "going to the hospital with a bulletproof birth plan". WHY GO?? Just so you know, I remember that I birthed in the hospital. Twice. I also know that MY bulletproof birth plan was written out of anger and fear. What a bloody way to bring a baby into the world...

I acknowledge that I had a "nice" birth with chaya but it was not the way birth should be. I should not have had to defend myself. I should not have had a tear so huge I needed general anasthetic to "re approximate my anal sphyncter". I should not have been forced into a physical position, coined "midwives forceps" b/c the hospital's 2 hour pushing grace period was up. I should not have been told "well, you got your vaginal birth, after all".

I should have fucking stayed home, surrounded by people who love and support my choice to birth as a woman. I feel birth is truly a pivotal point in a woman's world where she is graced with the awareness that she is a WOMAN. She is powerful, intelligent and very capable of doing what she is created to do.

It is very subtle, the damage that is done by caregivers.

If there is a fire on my kitchen stove and ash is here, you can bet that I will be hollering for him to put it out. If he isn't here, without a second thought, i will do what it takes to put the fire out, because I CAN.

Now, I am sure there are women saying "but THIS happened and THAT happened" to prove that they should be in the hospital. Given half a chance, if a woman starts to birth at home and KNOWS something isn't right, she will also know what to do. Seek out help at that point. Also, if she is programmed to know that she will be birthing in a hospital, where would the strength come from to birth at home, uc?

I really wish women would regain the TRUE power of being a woman. Not this hashed out path that has been already coded for us. We are not WOMEN by going to work. We are not WOMEN by trying to be MEN. We are not WOMEN by handing our kids over to some other WOMAN to raise.

We are women by being soft, strong, intelligent, nurturing, healing and loving.

2002-05-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

So today I got to use my poonani sponge for the first time. I really really like it! I can't feel it and I love making the MF coctail for my plants. lol.. That is one way to get the bathroom to yourself... :P This am i started my period at 6 am. i went and put in my sponge, got the heating pad and went to bed. I lay there and gave my uterus Reiki and did some deep breathing with the heating pad on. It worked! One more month wihtout tylemol for the pain. It is a huge accomplishement for me.

PSA: don't eat deep friend onion rings on an empty stomach.

2002-05-13T01:09:00.000-07:00

I really need to have some like minded mamas around me in person. This is getting a little old!!

2002-05-13T00:34:00.000-07:00

Today was just GREAT!!! man, it has been so long since I had a day with my family that was GREAT! We all got along and laughed and laughed. If I ever can figure out if aol has free web space, I'll post some pics instead of cramping lady skyra's style. :P

We went on a picnic at a park near the infamous Lonsdale Quay. in attendance were: sterling, chaya, mama, stephanie(sister), me and ash. This is a strange combo b/c ash doesn't do many family things with us. I think he came to make me happy and it really did. He was in a pretty intense mood but then it finally came out that he had a knife pulled on him at work last night and he was pretty upset. I hate that he works in a bar.

Sterling caught a starfish and chaya got to hold a 2 week old beautiful baby girl. ( i did too, but I will not go into how I burried my nose in her baby neck and smelled her for fear of laying an egg.) We got a touch too much sun, but oh well.

hey, yannow what. Sterling drew a picture of his dad and he included a penis. he is 6 in July. Should i be worried?

2002-05-13T00:23:00.000-07:00

This is a metaphor for something but not sure what...

We are so busy thinking about the past that we don't even stop to enjoy the present so much.

here is a great example...

at the birthday party i orchestrated for chaya in April, we took photos on my digi camera. whith a house full of people, we gathered around the puter to see the photos of 5 minutes before and reminisce!! That just struck me as funny and possibly meaningful. I just couldn't put my finger on what the meaning really was. LOL

2002-05-12T08:42:00.000-07:00

Chaya's birth was amazing for me. I have just a few natters about it. Some old and some new. The more knowledge I get the more I realize that it WAS a hospital birth. No illusion there.

At the time of her birth I said "no pitocin! no pitocin!" because it was my Dr's practice to give a shot IM while the anterior shoulder was coming out. I was really torn on that one. i was believing her but I also knew that I did not want any interventions. She respected my wishes. Also as chaya was emerging, or rather shooting out of my body, the Dr was screaming in my face, but to the nurse over my shoulder "suction! Peds! suction! peds!". i remember looking down into her face and thinking "wow, Rachel is really freaking out" but I was really being taken care of by my adrenalin. i was in birth space and all was good there.

Eventhough I was treated very gently, they just pushed me into things, but gently. I had to get out of the tub, walk, have a doppler, insist that I birth her after 2 hours of pushing, yelling in the room etc... all of these were against my wishes, but I was pushed into them very gently. I was never once treated badly. But my wishes still came second. This is the difference between the type of birth Gloria provides and what the hospital, even, is restricted by.

I wish i had the nerve to stay home alone when I was having chaya, but I didn't.

I think it is SO important that a woman is allowed to birth in complete silence. Nobody interjecting into her birth space. Even positive comments. I dont' remember hearing my birth knowledge too loudly b/c the staff kept drowning it out. It didn't bother me very much at the time, but now I can nit pick. Birth is SUCH an opportunity for a woman to really see who she is. Sadly, that opportunity is often drugged, surgically removed, belittled and robbed from her.

Fortunately, when I was having chaya and for a month after I was in complete bliss. I was loved and i loved everyone. Ultimately, i was overjoyed with her birth. i did suffer a 4th degree laceration and was seperated from chaya (she stayed in 2 of my friends' arms the whoel time I was gone) and put under general anasthetic to repair the damage. This really saddened me the next day for a while. Can;t i just fucking give birth right??????? Ash was very frustrated with me. All he could see was that I had my Vaginal Birth. It also turned out that I had lost a tremendous amount of blood during the surgery and if you look at the photo of me the next day, i am prtetty white. I wound up almost fainting and having a hard time even breathing. I am sure I was more vulnerable to nasty thoughts then I would have been had my levels been normal.

The whole first night I was completely unable to deal with Chaya. My friend stayed over and she walked the floors with her all ngiht. I was so drugged from the surgery and so tired with a tremedous amount of blood loss that the thought of having this needy newborn completely freaked me out. In a way, i turned my face away from her, too.

2002-05-11T21:40:00.000-07:00

REAL birth photos!!!

Here is the photo chronicle of chaya's birth. I did have her in the hospital, but I am in no way advocating hospital birth for a healthy pregnancy. If I had access to the info then that I do now, she would have been born in the bed she was made.

Hope you enjoy the walk through a very powerful part of my life.

this is shortly after getting to the hospital.

if you look just beneath my chin, you will ses ashley's face.

I would actually fall asleep standing up between contractions

this is the trip from the bed to the bath. I just crumpled into ash during a birth sensation.

this is most of my birth clan.

around the time of this photo, I heard my friend say "look it's Buddha"

birth sensation

I have more than enough of these ass shots, thank you very much!

strong birth sensation back in bed

there is a mirror at the foot of the bed. It looks like we are watching a movie... We we really hoping to see chaya's baby head...

here she is!

this is a small indication as to why she was nicknamed "princess tomato head"

the next day

and today with her best daddy

2002-05-11T09:15:00.000-07:00

flylady!. I did it. And I feel GREAT about it. i really do. i feel great about being told what to do like a baby. I feel great that I can't keep my house in order and I need this faceless e mail drill sargeant to tell me what to do. I feel great that I had to e mail her today and tell her to use the words "do" and "remember" vs. Don't and don't forget. lol

Anyways, i feel good about it. My way hasn't been working so i better find another way. I am also in Guru mentality right now, anyways, so this JUST MIGHT WORK!!!!!!!!

2002-05-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

The celtic performace was great!! Chaya ran straight down the aisle and was "fiddler bowling"!! She almost ran into the group twice. Quite funny.

whenever I am in emotional upheaval, I feel intoxicated. Not in my mind, but my reaction after reminds me of when I used to get drunk and think "shit, did I do THAT??" After Chaya was born, during my seperation from Ash and after other turbulent times, I would think back to my behaviour. It really is as though I was intoxicated. My judgement was impaired. I rarely look back on my past wiht fondness. Really hard to explain... Just hoping someone else will read this and go "ya, me too!"

2002-05-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the hugs, friends. It is just beginning. THere is always an intense honeymoon after a death.

Tonight I am taking my kids to a celtic festival with Highland dancers. I think they will love it. I really like exposing them to all varieties of culture. It is so important to me because I feel that this is what is really at the core of brother and sisterhood. Understanding and respecting each others cultures. We eatr with our hands, chopsticks and out of japanese shushi boats. My kid's favorite restaurants are Zeenaz, from East Africa and the Buddhist restaurant. They haven't the foggiest idea what Mc Donalds is. That truly is a little spark of mommy success for me. It really is. Be it American Culture or not, Rottin' Ronnies is pure Evil.

We have 3 drums here; a Djembe from Senegal; a Zarb from Iran (mini Djembe looking) and a Mrdanga from India. 2 sets of kartalas (brass symbols) and about 100 guitars, 3 keyboards and a dulcimer. i love that I can't play a single instrument but my kids have unlimited access to them.
I find a distinct power in having my kids not be mentally suffocated by materialistic western culture.I also really love that I am able to give to them the things that are very important to me without being jumped on by my family.

2002-05-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

Wow.. My grandfather died this afternoon. I know we all die eventually, but it isn't supposed to happen to ME!

2002-05-09T17:53:00.000-07:00

I was replying in comments and it went clean over that finicky thousand words so I thought I would just do an entry. Thank you all so much for your support. In the circle of people (non birth related) that I have created in my life, getting love, validation and support for a traumatic birth really beats the "well, I had a c/s and I am fine" and "why are you making such a bid deal about it?"

As I was writing Sterling' s birth story I honestly didn't have any pain in my heart or womb. I did a tremendous amount of work during my pregnancy with Chaya and after. I attended births as a doula, witnessed c/s that were completely necessary and watched mothers be honoured. I also saw mothers be violated and babies being treated less than the little miracles that they are. I cried, wrote about it, wrote letters, got pregnant and FAUGHT for my right to have a homebirth. It didn't happen for the shitty politics in BC right now, which I am fighting to right.

Having Chaya really helped heal my heart and soul. It proved what the Drs tried so hard to convince me of, were wrong. If you read my story closely, and I didn’t notice this till later today, that at every turn they tried to make MY body wrong.
I was late.
I had a narrow symphesis.
I wasn’t progressing.
I was too fat. Etc…
This is a trick they use so they can convince the mothers that they (Drs) are perfect and it is in fact the mothers who are broken. FUCKERS! I don’t remember reading in the report “C/S due to Drs impatience and failure to wait.” Might have been there, but I doubt it… I think this is done so that the mothers, while in a vulnerable position, are hypnotized into believing that the Drs are right and it was indeed their fault. They can provide counseling for that and they sure as hell won’t get sued if the mother is taking the brunt of the responsibility.

Experiencing Chaya’s birth showed me I wasn’t broken. It really wiped away the pain and loss that I felt after. It helped me connect with Sterling, too.

A few months ago a friend of mine married this registered massage therapist/energy healer kinda guy. He said to me, after I asked him “how can I be a better mom to Sterling”, “are you still hung up on Sterling’ birth?”
I said “no, not so much. I was for a very long time, but I’ve healed quite a bit”. He said, “Good, b/c sterling is fine about his birth”. This pushed me over the healing edge. Getting the message that my son was fine allowed me to be “ok” with his birth.

Had I had a fluffy nice birth, I wouldn’t care about lending my voice to this amazing cause of healing natural birth in North America. I would be plugging along blindly thinking everything was peachy.

Rhonda, I can't attend hospital births precisely for that reason. I cannot bear to witness the mothers being victimized, bullied and raped. Then, what to speak of the trauma the poor babies and fathers/partners feel. It is so helpless to be on the spectators side with our hands somewhat tied.

here is my story posted at Birthlove.com...

When I look at this picture, I see faith, love, trust, my blood, my husband's fingers, and VICTORY. This is the picture of the moment that I met my precious Chaya Namaste Blue, my protection and my healer.

Up until that moment my body was responsible for so many statistics: failure to progress, CPD [cephalopelvic disproportion], narrow symphisis, post dates. Everything that made me who I had become banked on that very moment that my girl would leave my body through my vagina, not the hole that they carved into my body to remove my boy.

My little girl was swept into my arms, as blue as Krishna and gasping for her life airs. All I heard was the sound of my best friend sobbing by the bathroom door and my husband sobbing behind me. I only had a moment with her, and in that slip of time, I scrubbed her chest, minding not to bang the scissors that severed her from her placenta, before she was taken from my arms. She had meconium and they did not want her to aspirate, so she was suctioned. I was then raised from my squatting position and encouraged over to the bed to deliver her placenta. "Don't worry, Katie, there are no bones". It slipped out with a plop! I looked over at the Pediatrician and remember thinking "They're smiling. Look at them smiling, everything is o.k."

When I look at this picture, I see the birth I COULD have had with my boy. My boy's birth left a scar on my body and a scar in my heart.

When I look at this picture, I see the necessity of healing and I see the love that went into bringing her here. As is taught in my faith, I chanted for HOURS the day that I conceived. We believe; so is the consciousness of the parents, so attracts the like spirited soul. I knew that we were making my little girl, who was to be a great devotee of God.

When I look at this picture, I see the love and the support that brought me to that point. Oh, the support that I had! During her pregnancy, my friends rallied around me with love, food, herbs, time, humour and encouragement. Especially when I lost the care of my midwife and when I would succumb to the doubt that had been planted, which was often. The bigger my belly got, the bigger my doubt, and paradoxically, the bigger my resolve and faith in God and my body.

When I look at this picture, I see the primitive bonding of a she-being meeting her heartlove for the first time. No fear, no anger, no doubt and no memory of my c-section. This was Chaya's birth and it was MY birth. The birth of a woman that can do ANYTHING! This was my moment to heal 3 years of pain and self-doubt; but it was not there. This picture is NOT the picture of a VBAC, of anger or resentment. It is simply the picture of a woman being held by her Love, and cradling her Love in her arms for the very first time. This was not the mending of Sterling's birth, this was the sweet, blissful birth of Chaya. I thought that I had so much to prove, but all that existed in that moment were the people encircling me and my girl. My precious Chaya Namaste Sarasvati Devi, my protection and healer.

When I look at this picture, I see faith, love, trust, my blood, my husband's fingers and VICTORY!

2002-05-09T16:40:00.000-07:00

When I was young I liked girls more than I liked boys. They just smelled better, I guess. I have always been attracted to girls, but not in that same "why hasn't he called me?" way. More like in the "come here, I want to rub you” way.

This conflicts with my religion, but not my marriage funnily enough. Ash would actually really appreciate it if I had a girlfriend. Lol That would fall under the “my wife is cool like that” label.

My faith does not zero in on homosexuality as other religions do. We just don't believe in illicit sex, outside the procreation of babies. Hetero to homo, sex should not be had unless you are making babies.

I don't let this clog my brain too too much when I see a cute girl. I am starting to get a little bolder with my flirting, but I must admit, my gaydar is not working. I can spot the really obvious "gay people" but I can also spot a soccer player, skateboarder, trekkie, metal head, New Kid and D&D player pretty easily.
I think I would really like to have a girlfriend but I don't want one who is straight GAY if that makes sense. And I don't want one who has a boyfriend/husband, either. That kinda gives me the cooties.
I haven't been too forward in my girl hunting b/c I have been busy carrying or nursing babies and something about that makes me think that I might not be #1 on the desirability scale not to mention that being with babies is a touch more of a priority.

It just seems that things are more "important" when you get older. As much as I shirk it, responsibility just sticks to me. And if it doesn't literally, I take it on. Where are my days of yore (is that right? well, days of old) where I could just romp around with someone and enjoy it and then be on my merry way? Now I get all caught up with the kids, dog, husband, bills, was that ok to do that? Will I go to hell?

This is making me feel old, but instead of lamenting in my “old” age I figure I should enjoy my youth.

2002-05-09T09:00:00.000-07:00

There are so many holes in my last entry. Oh well...

The pregnancy

The moment I chose to KEEP sterling, I was immediately relieved. Facing having an abortion was so heavy on my conscience. I didn't even have any religious inclination at that point. I think, even though it was the first question out of my mom's mouth, it was her experience of having an abortion that made me not want one. She had one when I was under a year old and true to her form, she resented my father and blamed him every day since. Considering the mental hell she put herself through, she would have been better off having 2 kids back to back than this emotional self-abuse, but then she would have one less thing to blame him over and that would weaken her racket.

I vomited from 2 weeks pregnant till the night after sterling was pulled from my stomach. I had hyper-emeses something awful. I lost 20 lbs off the bat and I became very weak. Ash was not working at the time so he was home to care for me, but I think his type of care, directly adopted from his mother's drama pushing, made me more sick than I really was.

Him "you don't feel well, do you?"

Me "Oh, ya, I guess I don't".
It wasn't till way later that it occurred to me that in his helpless, trying-to-support-his-new-wife-way, he might have been convincing me that I was actually sicker than I was. Bless his heart; he tried very hard to take care of me.
Held my hair back as I vomited for the 6th time that day. Stayed up all night with me and slept all day with me. Ran to the store at 2 in the morning b/c we were watching a movie and the woman, in a breathy voice said "Oh Henry, OH HENRY" and I HAD to have one right then. Snuck me popcorn when I was hooked up to saline in the hospital for dehydration, twice. Without a complaint, cancelled plans at the last moment b/c I simply couldn't go. Made sure I was drinking water and my boost supplement (yeach). He took such good care of me while I was so sick.

The marriage

We got married when I was 7 months pregnant b/c I couldn't see myself saying "this is my BOYFRIEND" while I was having Sterling in the hospital. Not sure why I was so committed to that b/c I didn't even change my last name, but I digress. Our ceremony was beautiful and simple and I wore white. LOL!! (Ok, beige)
Organizing that circus was hellish, but what can you do? We almost eloped the night before as we drove past the JP's house to go decorate my aunt's house, which was to be our wedding chapel. We were in a convoy of our wedding party, we were all in our casual clothes and love was abound. It would have been perfect, but that was just one of my many sacrifices that I would make in the name of other people who shouldn't even be a part of the equation.

Ash wore a beautiful Kilt and I wore a beige skirt and blouse ensemble. I had baby's breath in my up do and simple make up. I had a bouquet of a single cala lily and you are NOT going to believe why. This is to show how obsessive Capricorns can get during pregnancy, what to speak of the non-pregnant time.
While perusing fashion mags years before, I saw sketches of Tammy Faye Baker, (yup, that's what I said) modeling wedding dresses for short people, I guess. She was holding a single cala lily wrapped in ivy. Something about that simplicity stunned me and I KNEW that I had to carry that on my wedding day. I also dug the idea that it would apparently "draw the eye up and down to make you look thinner, vs. 7 months pregnant." So strange...

I walked down the aisle to "Here comes the sun" sung, or rather moaned. By the great Nina Simone. It was powerful!! Everyone cried, except the bride.
As I was walking down the aisle, or rather, the hallway, everyone turned to look at me and I swear to God, in my head I thought, "why is everyone looking at me? Why don’t' they turn to one another and talk?" I don't think I had prepared myself for the aisle walk but I knew we'd be the center of attention when we were up there. It was really surreal and I wish I had thought of that detail.

I left my dad's arm and RAN into Ashley’s arms and we kind leaned our foreheads together. It was sweet. I could see that he was crying as I got near to him. I was so touched by that. I love that sensitivity in him...

We droned through the ceremony and then she introduced us as "Mr. and Mrs. Ashley Scribner!!"

I had my man on my arm, my wedding ring on my finger, my baby in my belly and my loved ones around me loving us. It doesn't get much better than that.

That night we made love and I don’t' think we have ever touched that depth of "love" before or since in our lives. It was intense.

The Labour

Sterling was "due" on June 29th 1996. My Dr had already programmed me for failure weeks before by declaring, with her hand in my vagina " you have a narrow symphesis". Fortunately, I hadn't the slightest notion what the hell that was.

My best friend was a student midwife at the time and she got so upset when I told her that. Only now do I understand her anger and the implication of what that fucking asshole doctor did to me. It was only the beginning.

Ash and I both thought that I would be in the grocery store, my water would gush out of me and I would have to drop a jar of pickles to hide that water. I would page Ashley with “that code” that meant “THIS IS IT!!” and he would dash home, do everything wrong and then we would get to the hospital with ME being the calm one. I think that scene has been portrayed in every single movie that included a child’s birth in the script.

Alas, Sterling’s birth did not foresee any of that lovely drama. It was drama of a worse kind…

The Birth

I was told on July 2nd that I needed to get things moving along b/c he was getting big. I was 1 cm dilated and not squishy at all. That night I went to the hospital to have a foley inserted to “trick” my cervix into thinking it was the baby’s head so it would start to “work”. That was awful and I went home with the instructions to return at 7 am the next morning to have my baby, took 2 ex strength Tylenols and went to bed.

We didn’t sleep, tho. This was NOT how we imagined it.

The next morning we called at 6:30 am. They told us to have a shower (???) and come up right away.
We hopped in a cab and stared at each other. This was NOT how it was supposed to be.

We got to the hospital and they removed the foley. I lay there till 9 am when they ruptured my membranes and meconium flooded out. It stank and it was yucky looking but Sterling’ heart tones were perfect, OF FUCKING COURSE!!

At 11 am they insisted that I get the pit drip. I lied to them and said I was in worse labour than I was. I DID not want that crud in my veins. I didn’t. I had no idea what it was, but I didn’t want it.

They won and then the hell began. I lay there for hours in agonizing pain. Friends popped in and out and I was totally humiliated. At one point they had me on my hands and knees, with my ass facing the door and no one covered my bum. Between hellish, full pit-steam contractions, I had to plead with someone to cover my fanny b/c I couldn’t do it myself. I was so afraid my dad would walk in and see my ass with wires and tubes hanging out of it.

I was staying really strong, tho and refusing the epidural. I must admit that I had a bit of Super mom syndrome going on. I remember laying there feeling completely defeated and crying. My mother in law came in and was stroking my hair and she was sobbing harder than I was. It must have been a pathetic sight. L

On their 3rd attempt, I accepted the epidural. The ONLY reason I did was b/c they kept suggesting it to me and I thought, “well, they must KNOW! They must know that I really need it, even though I don’t think I do”.

The drama continues…
We were wheeled into the anesthesiology room and I was being told what would happen.
The bastard, aka anesthesiologist came in and started his work. He commented on my tattoos, in a derogatory fashion, called me obese, and was VERY rough with my violently contracting body.
He wouldn’t wait for a contraction to stop before forcing me into that tiny c position. I was “too fat” to get the catheter in my spine that way, so I had to drape myself over the loving nurse’s shoulder. She was so upset at the way I was being treated. Ashley left the room FURIOIUS and punched a locker outside the room. I was being treated like absolute shit and everyone was noticing it but no one could save me. I had to yell at him to “just fucking WAIT” while my body finished it’s contraction because he kept forcing me to move.

I think I started crying at the frustration, but I don’t really remember.

I was able top sleep after that ordeal then at 10 they started the mantra to brainwash me to have a c/s.

Sterling was doing fine, but it was getting late, for THEM.

Finally at 11 pm, my son was apparently in distress. He had major heart decals that were not recovering.

I was told this and I wanted my son safe. My pubic hair was shaved into this awful hockey hair mullet type style; short on top and long on the bottom. I was scrubbed and basted like a turkey. All this happened with my step mom and stepbrother peering over the side of the bed. No dignity.

I was wheeled into the theater and things were delayed b/c they couldn’t find a pair of surgical slippers for ash’s size 13 feet.

Finally he walked in and I saw the most comforting, loving amazing eyes behind that surgical mask. I was so relieved to see him.

I had initially asked to be put under but they said that I couldn’t b/c ash wouldn’t be able to be present. I relented for his sake. I knew he wanted to see his child being born, no matter how.

I wanted to be put under b/c I grew up with stories, yet again from my mother, about how she could feel them rooting around and pulling in her stomach for my sister’s c/s. FUCK, that freaked me out!!

They assured me that there was plenty of anesthesia and that I wouldn’t feel a thing. I didn’t.

We did however HEAR Sterling inside of me but they denied it and said that it was the OB. Riiiiight.. The difference between a grown man and a newborn’s voice is very easily mistaken.

My Dr had to go into my vagina and PUSH up on Sterling’s head while the Dr pulled him out of the gaping hole in my stomach. They were saying he was stuck, but when Gloria confronted them in the hospital with me years later, she said “He was trying to COME OUT OF HER VAGINA!!” lol… Imagine that…

Sterling was removed after much grunting and tugging on the OB’s part. Sterling was really STUCK in there b/c it was such a tight fit. Jesus Christ… It’s BIRTH!!!!! It is supposed to be TIGHT in there!!!

They held my beautiful son over the green divider and the first thing I said was “he isn’t getting snipped”. We had fought and fought about that. It was an easy win b/c after ash seeing what we had just been through, he couldn’t’ bare to have us in any more pain.

I was shipped off to recovery and sterling went with his dad to be bathed. L
He was a healthy 8lb 9 oz, 21 inch baby boy. He was perfect.

I was in tremendous pain due to the air that was in my abdomen? And they wouldn’t let me even have ice chips to suck on. I hadn’t eaten since 10 am the morning before.

Ash was sent home that night. It was hospital policy, unbeknownst to us that the partner was not allowed to stay over night.

He left and I cried. I called him later that night very upset, but I don’t remember that. He lay at home feeling completely helpless. He had just been through the most intense experience in his life and there he was, lying alone in our bed cuddling the cat.

Poor guy.

Thus started the next, most important chapter of my life; motherhood. And my hatred for the medical system and all persons in "power".

2002-05-08T10:43:00.000-07:00

I was 21 when I found out I was pregnant with Sterling. Ash and I met at A&B Sound where he worked. It was truly fate…

My sister slept over and she wanted to go to cd shopping so we rolled out of bed, I threw on my House of Pang hoody, shorts, Birks and a baseball cap and we zipped down to the store.

I walked in and headed straight to the back and there he was… The biggest, most ugly guy I had ever seen, but it was HIM. I was used to dating California lookin’ , Acura drivin’, Rayban Blade wearin’ volleyball-playin’ boys. Not this big huge bald oaf. Lol

He noticed the SHITTY tattoo on my ankle and was admiring it. He still had virgin skin so I guess a chick with a tattoo was pretty cool. :P

We started talking and he said that he was in a band and that his band was featured in this months Closet Rock underground music mag. I took one and my sister and I made our purchases and left. We were standing in the stairwell giggling b/c she was saying

“he likes you”

and I said

“Go get his autograph for me”

because his photo was in the mag.
She never went.
What was amazing about that day was the spontaneity of our trip down there and the fact that he was even there b/c Tuesday was his usual day off but for the first time since he had started working there, he was called in that morning to work.

I continued to go back there to buy CDs regularly (to see him) and one day he said

“I ordered that George Clinton CD for your sister. Can I have your number to call you when it’s in?” (Sneaky guy!!!)

“SURE!!” as I hand over my number, but not really thinking of it…

He called the next night while I was out dancing. When I got home at 2 in the morning, I was listening to his message, standing in my bathroom, jumping up and down, holding my mouth and squealing like a little piggy!! Lol I was so excited to hear from him.

I called back the next morning and we talked for a while. I don’t remember what he said so much, but I remember laughing my head off!! He is sooooo funny! His voice started to echo really loud and I said

“What are you doing?”

He said “I’m in the cave under my bed”.

For some reason this really made me laugh. (A year later I discovered the great microphone echo toy from that day.)

We set a date for that night and he met me downtown after I had been to a movie with my friends. We exchanged gifts and it was really neat that we both had these symbolic little presents for one another. He gave me this beautiful Celtic knot pendant symbolizing the 4 elements and I gave him this neat skull figurine made by a local artist.

We went back to my place just to find the door locked and me without my keys. AS USUAL!! Nothing has changed about that. Nothing.

I climbed my booty into my roommate’s window and unlocked the door. We hung out there for a while and then went for a walk up to the park. The walk was really nice. I remember crossing the street and him putting his hand on my lower back and my heart just leaping up into my mouth!
That park later served as a little ahem, rendez vous point for us.. wink wink…

He stayed till about 4 in the morning chatting with Dawn and me, listening to the Morphine Cd repeatedly and drinking peppermint tea. When he left, we stood at my door and he said after a few minutes

“we’ve been standing under this mistletoe for a while and I have been saving up mistletoe points. Can I have a g night kiss?”

Thus started the love affair that would give me my 2 beautiful children; cause me sadness beyond my own belief, and the greatest happiness; make me a woman and show me what true love, sacrifice and commitment is really about.

This date was on Dec 20th, 1995.

We dated seriously for 5 months and then we broke up. He was still attached to his ex g friend of 5 years and as soon as Quin The Cunt heard about me, she was all over him. I actually encouraged him to go back to her b/c I could see that the cycle was not complete in him. The thing I came to love about him most was his sensitivity and I had to be very mindful about not resenting that great quality when it didn’t work in my favour.

In those 5 months, he slowly seeped into my house. Suddenly, I was making room in my drawers for his clothes, looking forward to cuddling with him at night, waking in the morning and seeing him, having our own CD, not just song, him having a key to our love palace, wearing his t shirts in the morning, spraying his cologne, which was on my bureau, all over me, making the phone calls to work for him “ash is sick today” because, after all, we were LIVING TOGETHER!!”. It was really great.

The night we broke up was the day I was at the Tragically Hip Festival all day. I came home and he came over with his face 100 feet long. Then he said those words that crushed my heart. I told him to leave and take all his shit. I didn’t’ want him banging on my door 4 days later saying, “I left my toothbrush here”. His friend came and took the tv, his clothes, lamp, dna strands, etc…

As he left, I was lying in my bed and he was standing at my door crying. He walked out and on his way, turned on my stereo really loud. And on that stereo was our CD. Nina Simone. Fucker. That crushed me. Fully and Completely.

That night, every sound I heard was him coming home. It was torture. I learned that heartbreak was actually a physical condition and I was suffering form it. Badly.

I called him later that night and said “this is wrong” and he said, very gently “maybe for you but it’s right for me”. Another blow to the heart, but I really heard what he was saying and I respected it.
He got back together with Quin the Cunt but it became very evident why she wanted him back. Just to prove to herself that she could control his sensitive heart.

He started to get really sick, drink a lot, which he never did before, and he became really miserable.

One day, after I finally said,

“no more contact. It hurts too much” he said that he had to be with me, not her.

I was overjoyed!!

20 days later we conceived Sterling. That is the day that he whispered in my ear while making love “I want you to be the mother of my children”.

3 days later, we are on a train to the middle of Canada for his aunts wedding. I went completely nuts. The pregnancy hormones hit my like a ton of bricks and I hated him, the train, the city, the country and the world. I hated everything and he was the center of it. Poor guy didn’t’ know what hit him.

Our visit was ok. On the day of the wedding, We were in a hotel in Brandon Manitoba when I was “visited” by a little boy named Sterling. I got this intense feeling that I had never had before or had since. It was like this little boy was standing next to me.

A few days later, on the 20th of October, I haul ash up to my room in the afternoon.

“I think I am pregnant”

“No, you are just upset because you aren’t at home”.

“NO! My period comes in the morning and it’s the afternoon and it isn’t here”

I chose to listen to him over my screaming body, hormones and mouth. I remember I started crying b/c he wouldn’t come up to my room and make love to me!! lol

We were at his other aunt’s house and I was up and down like a yoyo going pee. His aunts both said to him

“Is Katie pregnant?”

“No, No. NO! No way. Nope. No she isn’t. No”.

We left on the 25th and I tried to buy a pregnancy test in Jasper but there wasn’t one in the pharmacy. I was positive at this point b/c I was sooooooooooooooo soooooooooooo tired.

When we got home, we went and got a test.

I sat on the toilet and ash paced the floor in front of the door where I squealed at his first phone call.

I watched the test get that little line that says “your life is about to change in ways you never imagined”.

I just dropped my head and ash ran over and hugged me.

The next day I went to the Dr and said

“Get this out of me” while handing him the positive pee wand.

He told me that I had 5 weeks to think about it.

I left and went home and cried. I cried and talked to people and then cried some more.

I spoke to as many people as I could. My one friend looked at me really disgusted and said

“you are going to have an abortion over money?”

I thought about this…

Another friend said

“ this is YOUR baby! Not your parents. Do what You have to do. This is YOUR baby!!”

When I thought about an abortion, I cried and when I thought about keeping this little ball of energy I didn’t.

On Oct 31st, when ash came home, I said to him

“you can stay or you can go, but I have to keep this baby”

he said that on his way home right then, he was trying to figure out a way to tell me that he wanted me to keep the baby. His reasons were different than mine, but he still wanted the baby.

That story brought my wonderful Sterling Noel into my arms.

2002-05-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

letter from Gloria to the paper in the ski resort village of Whislter 3 hours from us. it was not such a nice article and very one sided; THEIRS.

Dear Whistler Pique,
> I have been following your stories about the court case I am currently
> embroiled in and would like to provide some clarification on points that
> your writers have raised.
>
> Mostly I just "put up with" the lies told about me by the College of
> Midwives registrar Jane Kilthei. This woman from Ontario was hired to
> run the College of Midwives of B.C. and her reign of terror over the
> B.C. birthing community has been appalling. Before the College of
> Midwives even was up and running she was condemning me in the press. In
> 1997,she leapt right into a Vancouver Sun story that was based on a
> mistaken identification of me and, when the story turned out to be
> false, she never bothered to apologize to me for her remarks. Most
> people who bear a title like "registrar" of a public body are very slow
> to shoot off their mouths to the press in order to provide professional
> fairness. Ms. Kilthei has not shown any such sophistication in her
> role.
>
> She speaks to your reporter about "numerous complaints they have
> received". This leaves your readers with the impression that my
> homebirth clients are complaining to the College of Midwives about my
> services. This is a lie. What Ms. Kilthei fails to say honestly is
> that the "numerous complaints" are from the web of hospital and
> ambulance personnel that she has enlisted to keep an eye on my
> activities. There are a few worried grandmothers who have phoned the
> College, as well, to complain that their daughters are having a
> homebirth with me. These things are not "complaints" as Ms Kilthei
> would have the public believe. Ms Kilthei actually did her very best to
> find a complaint to take into the court hearing and, despite phoning and
> harrassing one of my clients, she was unable to get a bona fide
> "complaint". Finally, after four years of searching for an unhappy
> client, Ms. Kilthei managed to turn one of my client's against me. In
> January of this year, she was quickly over to the hospital to interview
> a client of mine who had a cesarean for her first baby (like 33% of
> first time mothers in this province). This family is suffering
> financially and the father tried to hire a lawyer to sue me for money.
> The lawyer told him he didn't have a case, and the father then went to
> the police and complained about me. Ms. Kilthei was encouraging these
> actions with unrestrained glee. Ms Kilthei will not tell anyone that I
> worked very hard for this family despite the fact that I knew they had
> no money to pay for my services.
>
> Ms. Kilthei says about me "she doesn't appear to recognize when things
> are deviating from their normal course"--what specifically does she mean
> and what is her evidence? Her comment "There is a long history of her
> taking babies and women to hospital very late in the game." is
> slanderous. If there is any " long" history, that is only because I
> have worked in the birth field for 25 years. Why would I take my
> homebirth clients into hospital early in the game? What is her
> inference here? What she fails to include is that I have a long
> history of being the only midwifery teacher in B.C. and the only midwife
> who has ever received a nomination for the YWCA Woman of Distinction
> Award in the field of health. I have a long history of being invited to
> be a speaker at midwifery conferences in the U.S. and speaking to
> hundreds of doctors, nurses and midwives on the subject of natural
> childbirth and waterbirth. I have a long history of being a respected,
> published author in midwifery journals and magazines as well as internet
> websites. Why does Ms Kilthei never mention any of this history?
>
> Ms. Kilthei says that I give people erroneous information. This is a
> clear example of Ms. Kilthei's own "transference" problem. She had a
> paid private detective in my courses for seven months. There is not one
> piece of erroneous information that she could point to in Court. In
> fact, the College of Midwives and their legal counsel refused to allow
> my lawyer to cross examine their private detectives. If the College of
> Midwives is presenting a truthful case against me, what do they have to
> fear by allowing counsel for the defense to cross examine their private
> eyes?
>
> I would like to know why Ms. Kilthei never speaks to your reporters
> about the two multi million dollar lawsuits against members of her
> College. I would like to know why Ms Kilthei does not speak about the 6
> babies who died in the care of College midwives in the first 3 yers of
> regulation. I would like to know what Ms. Kilthei has to say about the
> cheating on exams that has been reported on in the study done by the
> B.C. Women's Centre for Excellence. Why does Ms. Kilthei never let the
> press know that some of her illustrious registrants have endured
> coroner's inquests and investigations, too? The Aislabie inquest in 1999
> revealed that two of Ms. Kilthei's top midwives couldn't even find their
> resuscitation equipment when a distressed baby was born at home. Why
> does Ms. Kilthei not tell the truth about the fact that her members'
> malpractise insurance rates have risen so high that the government had
> to step in and bail them out.
>
> Yes, I have been involved in a lengthy court case which resulted in an
> acquittal. It was the last time that midwives in this country had to
> face the Criminal justice system. Another midwife and I were prosecuted
> by the Socred government in the longest, costliest trial of midwives in
> the history of the world. We endured 6 years of being on trial and were
> acquitted by the Supreme Court of Canada. After that trial, Attornies
> General across Canada have declined to ever prosecute midwives again.
> Our case is considered a landmark case in law schools. I am proud of
> the fact that, as a young, single mother, I endured the full attack of
> the B.C. College of Physicians and Surgeons and never faltered in
> pressing for a court declaration of my innocence.
> There is not a single doctor, nurse, or midwife working in the field of
> obstetrics that can guarantee that they can save every baby and please
> every client. Obstetrics is the most sued medical specialty (80% of all
> lawsuits). I have a better record of having happy satisfied clients
> than any member of the College of Midwives. 20% of the women who
> planned a homebirth with the College of Midwives in the first 3 years of
> operation did NOT even receive an evaluation form to fill out. I would
> like to know why one in five women were not asked to evaluate the
> homebirth services of registered midwives. I would like to know why the
> B.C. Women's Midwifery service has just sent a letter to all the
> registrants who have left the College of Midwives asking them why they
> left and what can be done to get them to come back? I would like to
> know why the College of Midwives can not put me out of business in an
> honourable way by providing a free service that people really like so
> they do not need to pay me privately. I would be happy to see myself
> put out of a job by a really great midwifery service. Even better, I
> would like to be attracted to belong to the College of Midwives instead
> of seeing these pathetic attempts to bully me into it. Good midwives
> across Canada have told me how ethically repugnant it would be to belong
> to an organization that sends spies out to home births.
>
> Ms. Kilthei seems bent on completely destroying B.C. Midwifery and once
> her half-truths and slander are done she will probably return to Ontario
> a happy, satisfied woman.
> The really sad thing in all of this is the way the individual members of
> the College have hidden and remained publicly silent while this witch
> hunt rolls steadily on.
>
> A tremendous amount of time, energy and government money has been spent
> on this ridiculous vendetta against me. It's time for women to demand
> that the College of Midwives spend their resources on providing quality
> homebirth services for families in rural B.C.
>
> Gloria Lemay
>
>

2002-05-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

what am i more commited to?

to being "RIGHT" or being gentle and understanding?

My dear friend with the psycho child called me today to tell me about an experience she had this weekend. Let me start by saying that this woman does NOT ruffle easily at all. If I am getting upset about something and I know it isn't too logical, she is the one I call to shake a bit of grounded sense into me. She and I REALLY oppose on parenting, but what can you do?
I find myself being pretty critical about her parenting, but the bottom line is this:
~she is an adult.
~she created the situation
~i don't live with that monster of a child 24 hours a day like she does. I bet I would make a few shitty moves if he were my child. I'm just glad she has resolved not to beat him, because his personality really makes it hard not to.

ANYWAYS, she and her wonderful family were at this kids indoor play gym and she started noticing this mother keeping her kids away from her son. She coulnd't figure it out, but kept observing. Apparently the woman said "all the world needs is another Hare..." and stopped herself. This interaction went on until the 2 moms had it out in words. The other mother said "can't you control your kids?" and she said "well, I don't feed mine meat". This all took place with more detail, of course.

What is getting me is at the end of it, she deduced that the woman was being a bigot. In my head I am screaming "don't act like a Jew screaming "anti -Semite" at every negative word uttered. AND don't blame someone not liking your child on religion when he is an absolute monster to be around.

WHAT the hell shoudl I have said? I chose to just lend her a sympathetic ear. Ohh,,,, mmmmmm,, oh no! really? she said THAT?? ohh... mmmmmmmmm... But I was torn between telling her what I saw (which she didn't ask) or just letting her be.

What is my responsibility as her friend? To just be there or to call her to the table and make her see the real stuff. I know there is no straight answer, but it is so hard to decide what my comitment is. Am I letting her down by not being straight or am I doing the right thing by just listenening and accepting the fact that she is an adult who is perfectly capable?

2002-05-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

kwk, (or anyone else) have you heard of a video, also by alex jones, clled Dark Secrest inside Bohemian Grove?
Fucking heavy, man!!

(I hope I dont' get shot for writing about this. If i mysteriously disappear, krista, you get my saris, ok?)

I actually haven't watched it yet. They sacrifice kids and i think I would snap if i watched that. Katie is a big wimp when it comes to gore, violence, child-abuse and heavy metal music!! Ash calls me Tipper Gore. I just heard explicit details of the movie. I have it here, but i doubt it's gonna happen.

2002-05-06T23:49:00.000-07:00

REBEKKA!!!!! my puter fucking sucks and I was so enjoying your company! (wink wink)

now now, krista, i still love you, too... :P

2002-05-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

chaya and her kitty-cat-princess face paint in deep didjeridoo meditation

me and my babies while chaya gets her didj.. I know her face looks a little odd in this photo, but she is TOTALLY enjoying the experience!

the devotees chanting on stage. Sterling is sitting on my friend Lea's lap to the left.

sterling the great lion!!

2002-05-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

Beltane Bash Bummer

BUT I had a kick assy time!! The energy was so great and I got some goodies!

I received an amazing reflexology treatment by Forest accompanied by didjeridoo therapy and I also met some great hippy type drum makers from one of the local islands. I also got myself a poonani sea sponge!! I am so excited to bleed just so I can try it. I originally walked over to check out the keeper but after seeing that contraption, i figured there wasn't a snowman's chance in hell that I was going to use that 2 ton rubber tire to catch my flow. Hell no! That thing what gargantuan, man!!

I got to dress up all fancy like and get lots of attention. The way we dress everyday at the temple is quite
delightful and stunning to most. i also got the same compliment over and over; from literally 35 people. "You have the most amazing, beautiful, gorgeous, free spirited, etc... kids I have ever seen". I heard this all day on Sunday. It was SO great to be in a group of people who cherish kids. Who cherish the child in themself, also.

In the morning we did this ceremony where we all stood in a circle and we were smudged, then they invoked the archangels with swords and crystal wands. Then we sang songs and then they closed the circle with more thanking and calling to the archangels of the 4 directions. It was neet.

Sterling is still pretty sick. Went back to the chiro today to check it out. Depending on how he feels tomorrow, we might go to a staged funeral rally in support of vegans.

Weird to be sitting behind the puter desk again after such a busy weekend. i actually got out and GOT A LIFE!!!!!!! lol

2002-05-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

hhhmmmmmmm...

62 visitors today and only 2 posts to Dana about her new baby.

That sucks.

2002-05-03T08:05:00.000-07:00

Dana (nippies/pineyma) had a beautiful baby girl!!

Lorelei Mildred (after kurts grandmother..the mildred part)
7lbs 4oz 21in
active labor only 5hrs total...dilated 4 to 10 in 3hrs...pushed for maybe 5-7 minutes. Transition so short..no tears or skids...nursed and was awake for 4 hours after birth (born 5:09am, May 1st, wednesday)...got to hospital at 2am, left wednesday afternoon after I ate and rested. Awesome hospital birth..totally unmedicated and unchecked...everyone was so respectful..baby never left side..not even for foot prints.
Maddy is totally overwhelmed..:(

WOWOWOWOWOOWOWO!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you, dana! And you, too, kurt and Maddy!!

YAY!!!

2002-05-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

a reall strange phonomenon happened after I found out about ash and jena. I didn't FEEL as angry as i felt i had to act. Does that make sense?

I felt I had a responsibility to be VERY angry and the more I dealt with it, the more i Honoured that expectation than my actual feelings. I just realized that today. How strange...

It was very easy to get caught up in the drama of it all, but I remember forcing myself to react rather than just shru my shoulders.

i wonder if that was just a defense mechanism?

2002-05-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

Judy has an amzing blog/journal thingy. I have been reading her blog for over a year. maybe a year and a half and I have watched her little Eska-lator grow, heard her voice downloaded, loved the site she made for my business and all around enjoyed reading her amazing writing which I wish she would take up professionally. i think she originally hails from hip mama but she ventured over to reds for a time.

2002-05-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

As I am preparing for this goddess shin-dig where I will be peddling my jedi master energy tricks (or reiki to most people...) I am brushing up on some reiki literature. The more I am reading about it the more I think it is such a crock of shit that someone would want to acedemic-ize energy healing. is there truly a right and wrong answer to pure energy?

I think I would be interested in reading the works of master Usui, the man who started reiki with symbols, not this watered down, interpretive, new agey mumbo jumbo that is flying off the shelves in fancy book stores.

How the hell do you put a leash on energy? By leash I mean a written book which has "answers", etc...

To me, the whole point of Reiki is just that; Reiki. The Reiki energy guiding me and moving through my body.

What do I do if I am guided to focus on the solar plexus chakra but the BOOK tells me that I have to have my hands apart on the abdomen? It just really doesn't make sense to me. I'm glad I didn't want to be a Dr when I grew up, because I would be reading "administer blah blah blah for the duration of six days, intramuscularly, blah blah blah" but I would think, "well, fuck this! That's not what my intuition is telling me". It's just divine chance that I didn't mosey down a path that would stifle me like that, otherwise Dr’s and nurses would be reading a whole NEW set of books. The medical system according to Katie Blue. Ha!!

The book would be very short. “… it’s all bullshit. There is very little here which can actually help you. Take responsibility for your self, health and children, eat well, pray, move and we will all be just fine. The bottom line is we die. No sense in fighting it. Just make the time here count”

I'm sure there are instances where this can be disputed, but we have to look at the BIG picture. Not just a snap shot.

With energy healing I realize that a: I do not have to follow any guidelines and b: the more I read, the more I realize that I DON’T want to read.

I find that academia really dulls my ability to really KNOW things, if that makes any sense. I have always relied so heavily on my sense, that any interference would really bugger me up.

I expressed this to my mom recently when she said “why can’t I tell you things? You do things and I think if you would just listen to me, it would make your life easier”. Well, my smart-assy answer to that was “the biggest mistakes I have made in my life was WHEN I listened to someone else over myself.” And that is the truth.

2002-05-02T18:52:00.000-07:00

When I posted about not knowing if I could give Reiki attunements from a distance, i was in effect kidding, but according to the Internatioonal Center for Reiki training, I can.

i figured, by the sheer nature of Reiki, that I could but I didn't know if it was bonafide.

That is so cool, man!!

KRISTA!!!!!!!!!

2002-05-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

The thing that I don't like about conspiracy theories is that it makes me paranoid and I am so sensitive to that. I get into anxiety very easliy and I have had to start living on a very even keel regarding these types of issues. I am of the mind that there is really nothing I can do about it anyways, so why stay up late at night stressing over it?

It also doesn't help me to be in the "know" because the "know" is always changing. Once we get comfortable with the way things run, WHOOP, there! it's changed right under our noses.

i prefer to KNOW that i have 2 healthy kids who are not being poisoned by the PS system, vaccines, tv and fast food. I prefer to not vote and get pulled into the bullshit, invest energy, just to have the ballots rigged. I prefer to focus on what is really important.

I agree that people do need to lend their voices if we want to make a change. I just believe that we all have voices that should be loaned to the cause that touches our heart.

For me, it's birth freedom. i protest, write letters, speak to the media and speak to as many people as I can about this. My mother, however, sees this as a waste of time but is fighting the scams at the CC companies tooth and nail. That is HER cause.

For example, I think Gloria is the perfect woman to go through this trial of witch hunting in midwifery. She is older, smart as a whip, grown kids and established. The main point is that she is the one to deal with this because she isnt' a young midwife, not knowledgeable about the climate with her own young babies at home who need their mom.

There are people who are cut out to fight certain causes.

2002-05-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

Just watched the 911 video.

Well, to start off, I must say that I live in an illusion, which is called "the safe bubble of Canada". I have never, ever heard of or experienced any of this military insanity in my life here. The biggest brouhaha is welfare cutting moms off when their babies are 3 years and rolling cheques back 50$ a month. This is a huge travesty, but it is NOTHING compared to the hell that is going on in the states.

That show, I felt, might be a touch over the top, but there is a message. It had so many angles and one subject led to another but the overall consensus was that the Gov't is trying to kill us off.
I can't believe that homeschoolers are considered terrorists because we are not subjecting our kids to the brainwashing that is called the public school system.
I do wonder, though, if it WAS the Feds and not McVeigh, is he alive and well in Afghanistan, working at McD's with Elvis?

They touched on Prince Philip and I am surprised they didn't start talking about shape shifting.

This whole thing COMPLETELY freaks me out. COMPLETELY. I have hated the Gov't and society since I was young. I absolutely was not raised with this mentality. If anything, Ash and I were raised by fascists.

This must be why I went screaming into the social anarchist Hare Krishna movement and have sat there contentedly this whole time.

Why didn’t he talk about the bullshit moon landing?

We are all being treated like sheep. From public schools, vaccines, white sugar, news, media, tv, consumerism, diet, etc…

We have a choice. Well, Canadians still do, anyways.

I was pretty sobered by watching that show.

2002-05-02T10:32:00.000-07:00

here ya go, tanya!

here is a list to make your game...

2002-05-02T09:22:00.000-07:00

This has been bugging my ass since I read it.

i'm going to try to be as nice as I can about it, but my judgement is SCREAMING at this persons judgement.

how can one POSSIBLY think that divorce would be difficult on the children when the parent's don't even have CUSTODY of their kids?

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT????

It is bullshit justification for ones very, very sad position.

She is trying to give off the illusion that she is somehow superior b/c she has values about divorce.

This smoke screen does NOT work.

You don't have your kids yet you are worried about what a divorce would do to them?

I bet those little babies would give up their favorite Happy meal/spam casserole in order to have their bed in their parent's house. Even if it is just one parent.

is this way over the top? Am i being such a bitch? Am i so pro punctuation that I can't even see the truth??

2002-05-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

still feeling poopy.

Not as bad as I might be feeling, tho.

I think all the stuff i'm doing is supporting me very nicely. I have this godess craft fair on saturday and I am doing it alone this time b/c my partner is an ass. Anyways, I have a ton of work to do and I will be doing reiki treatments at the fair. I need to be in good health!

As far as I am concerned, i can drop dead on Sunday, just as long as I feel fine on saturday.

2002-05-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while at Sterling's swim class, I was chatting with one of the instructors, S (well, not just ONE of the inst., the one I think is cute ;) ). She had some blood drawn and was complaining of a very sore arm. S wanted to know of any home remedies that I might have to help her arm. The Dr's say she might have mono and she is on ABX for strep. This is really bothering her as she is pretty alternative. I told her about acidopholus, etc...

While we are talking, this Chinese woman is expressing concern about something happeneing accross the pool. The instructor looks over and says to the woman,

"it's a bathing suit. I can tell because there are ties in the front"

*can't hear what the Chinese woman is saying*

"no, I'm positive it's not underwear. It's a bathingsuit becasue of the ties."

so, my attention is diverted to that area thinking I'm gonna see some ginch action. You know, I had to confirm for myself that this old man was not parading around in his skivvies.

My eyes are tuned in over there and I see a "person" getting out of the hot tub in only shorts. I KNOW that I see uncovered boobies, but my brain refuses to acknowledge it. The person is walking away from us, in regualr sport shorts, and has that distince curve at the waist that generally distinguishes men from ladies.

I still do not believe that I saw boobies. Then she turns part way to look at something or whatever and it is confirmed.

boobies!!

i said to S

"hey!! there's boobies over there!"

"she said

"ya, they are allowed now" (her reaction bothered me. She said it in a way that showed me she wasn't sure how I was going to react. She didn't want to oppose me in any way instead of having an opinion about it and being ok with that)

I said

"that is sooooooo cool!!"

This woman was walking around with only shorts on. And she was walking like she owned the place. It was great!

Shit, I was worried about seeing moms nursing their babies there thinking I was gonna have to go and kick some stupid persons butt.

Vancouver is pretty forward thinking. Well, in the spots where it isn't, there is lots of support to be found for your cause.

2002-05-01T23:00:00.000-07:00

I am coming down with a motherfuckingpieceofshitfuckingasskickingfucking cold. Shit. i have my godess round up this weekend and I have tons of work to do before that time and I am getting sick! My eyes hurt and my throat is starting to ache. Shit.

i have been drinking homemade chai tea with heaps of ginger, no milk and no black tea. It is nummy! I have been walking on garlic all day and swollowing veggie caps with cayenne. Shall we discuss the mighty ring of fire? i'll spare you the details...

I took a bunch of echinacea, goldenseal and OGR. I also picked up some homeopathic immune booster in pellet form.

Will this work?

*whining* somone send me a card in the mail or something. P-L-E-A-S-E!! That would make me feel so good.

Chaya chose not to go swimming today. That was very strange and she has been complaining about a sore neck. i am going to watch this development very closely.

Blah.. i have totally nothing to report.

2002-05-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

3 times, baby!! woohoo!!!!! 3 times in a ROW!!!

2002-05-01T16:53:00.000-07:00

That is wild that KWK mentioned 911, the road to Tyranny because that video was placed in my hands TODAY!! My Reiki master is totally, totally, TOTALLY into this conspiracy theory revolution (for lack of a better description) and he really felt I would like this video. i was going to wait until I watched it to post about it.
Small world.

2002-05-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

Would I ever forget ash's indiscretion?

As it stands now, I don't really think about it so much. It sometimes rears it's ugly head and I get really upset, but I am trying to discipline myself in such a way that I express my sadness instead of lashing out my sadness. Trying to hurt him as badly as I am hurting, kinda thing.

But, right after I found out, I was a mad woman. i was so angry and I did my best to make sure everyone knew that he had fucked up, that HE is the villain and that I was the poor, hurt, weak victim. Again: poor Katie

I guess that because he chose to stay, I understand why he did it, he expressed deep remorse and the reasons he did it, what do I have to be angry about? I know what my role is now. I know what he needs. I know he needs lots and lots of attention (maybe just in high gear for a little while) and why the hell shouldn't he get it?

It's not like I am praising him for being bad. It's more like giving him a "time in" than a "time out".

This has NOT NOT NOT been easy by any stretch.

After I found the letter on the floor, I called him and read it to him. Every word and let me tell you, he listened and didn’t say a freaking word. We were in the middle of shifting all the rooms in the house and everything was getting turned upside down. I was tidying the living room when I got back form the temple on the Sunday night. I was passing the couch and I saw this little tiny book on the floor with a heart drawn on it in red pencil crayon. My first thought was “how cute” not having the slightest idea what it was.

I opened it and it was a little fairy tale style story of Lady Jenna (another chopstick) and Sir Ashley. It went on to describe their meeting, the difficulties they both have, the amourous past times, her affection for MY kids, their marriage (on the beach, bare foot, her in a princess dress and him in silk combats (give me a break)) and ultimately them begetting more kids. They lived happily ever after while he was a big rock star and she was a famous actress. Man, is she ever in illusion… What kind of mother is that?? (lol.. sigh)

I called ash on the phone (well, obviously) and he said

“Hello!”

And I said

“This is the love story of Sir Ashley and Lady Jenna…”

And I went on to read the whole thing, emphasizing certain juicy parts. Like her kissing my dh’s 2000 body parts, how they were madly in love despite some challenges they bothed faced, etc… GAK!! Accckk!! Shit, just writing this makes me feel ill…

This was an 18 YO girl (he was 27) and she worked with him. She was quite tall, cutesy, horsey lookin’ and stylish. She had those bobble rings, cute little hairclips and FUCKING tulsi beads around her neck??!!?!?!?! WHAT?? Why I didn’t get the message when I saw that, I will never know. I guess, ultimately, we do want to trust our partners, yannow?

Her mom is the head of nursing at the hospital where chaya was born. She fast tracked us into a fancy room in the delivery ward. Jenna stood at the foot of my birth bed, the next day, hugging my husband. The only good shot of chaya as a newborn is of her in JENNA’s arms. Needless to say, it was nothing a pair of scissors, a few voodoo mantras couldn’t’ take care of. ;-)

You see… re writing this has really brought up some bad feelings but I am able to remember the look on ash’s face from the other day. I KNOW why he was so attracted to her (well, anything that wasn’t ME, really). I’m sure she made him feel great, strong, funny, attractive, smart, etc…
Why would he really walk away form that? He tried to get it form me, but I turned my back on him big time.

I know that their relationship started friendly. He told me that numerous times when my spidey-senses would be tingling. I actually got comfort from him saying “I like her Katie. She is my friend”. I think I would have been more bothered by it if he was spending so much energy in her and he would say “I HATE her”, yannow?

I knew something wasn’t right at the time. I confronted him on it. We even had a few nasty fights, but I was too busy with my newborn to give this much attention, much less, anything else.

My understanding why he did it really helps me to forgive him. Truly forgive him. Sure, he could have made some wiser choices, but their relationship DID break off without me knowing it was on. And my instincts tell me that it was HIM who broke it off. Judging by that letter and the fact that she had been in my home, held my newborn daughter who still smelled like my womb, chatted with me on the phone, come to my temple, leads me to believe that this girl had no conscience. No regard for real life. Is life really real at 18?

I must say that I do UNDERSTAND him. Can’t honestly say if there is 100% forgiveness, but what does that really mean, anyways? I have let him back into my life. I am trying to honour him. I trust that this won’t happen again. I trust that he feels awful for what he did. I trust that he is committed to making us great as a family.

Is THAT forgiveness?

2002-04-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

lest you all (all 5 of you) have been peeled to your puter wondering just whatthehell the girl wore tonight..
I wore red silk pants (not a good idea... when they get wet, it's impossible to move. I danced my ass off for 1 hour and 30 minutes and let me tell you, I was sweaty!) beige t shirt, a bindy and that is it!
Well, the bra, of course. This is that hoppy african dancing. i think I will wear 2 bras next week.

2002-04-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

Well, the girl totally got her ass KICKED!!!

I am sooooo sore! Shit! But the dancing was cool and the live drumming. mmmmmmmm.. I love it! I took Djembe lessons several months ago and this guy was kick assy on his djembe. The choreographer hails from Guinea, South Africa.

On a more serious note, I totally have what I have come to call (tonight) Teacher's Pet Syndrome. (Herein will be referred to as TPS.)

When I get into an environment where there is a leader, something in me really really needs affirmation and acknowledgement from that person.

What is that? I realize that I have ALWAYS been that way. It is so bad, that if someone else is getting the teacher's attention, I start to feel very envious and nasty towards that person and I lose my interest in the course/task at hand.

I always justified my thoughts and ultimately my attitude in the past but I can see it so clearly now. I am so ENVIOUS! What a horrible, horrible trait!

I realized it when I saw that I wasn’t the teachers pet tonight. I wasn’t getting that special attention that I so desperately crave and that this little bimbo/hippy/ hoochie (yes, this description IS physically possible. I saw it tonight) girl was!
What the hell!! * I* am supposed to be the TP, not YOU! ME! ME!

Why am I like this? Why can’t I just get down to business instead of occupying my mind with this nonsense? Who gives a crap if the teacher even notices me? Why do I need this constant validation? Why do I not only need the validation, but also hate the competition?

Damn, this sucks!

I really need to work on that.

(goes off to sulk in a corner with her blankie)

2002-04-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

sooooo.. there is this new seasoning mama site.

All black background...

shiny stars here and there...

it reminds me of a site I've seen before. I can't quite put my finger on it... HHHmmmm..

it reminds me of... ohh...

WAIT A FUCKING SECOND!!!!

they stole my site design, url, moveable type, html-blt-abc ... STUFF!!

What the hell am i gonna do now!!!!

LOL!! (that would be a real laugh)

SHIT!!

2002-04-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

it's getting closer... Soon i will have to don (dawn, dohn, darn, damn, ding dong) my South-African-dance-class-with-live-drumming outfit. I will NOT wear chubby clothes! What would chubby clothes be? an oversized sweatshirt (I'm with stupid ---> ) and leggings? An EzzE Wear ensemble? Track suit? AAARRGGGGHHH!!!!!

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I stress out over a freaking dance class? Why do I register myself for these things that are bound to drive me batty before walking into the room? Why do i like cultural things? Wouldn't it make my life easier if i just liked tetris and bingo? I wouldn't be faced with this crazy dilemma. Hmmm.. what do i wear to bingo?

Nope, I doubt that question is ever raised in a life threatening manner such as this one.

Why am I so concerned about what the fuck I am going to wear? jeeeze

2002-04-30T14:10:00.000-07:00

what the hell does a chubby girl WEAR to her first south african dance class with live drumming?

2002-04-30T14:08:00.000-07:00

climbing back on the roller coaster

2 days ago, ash and I had a pretty yucky fight. It was very sad and it isn’t' worth explaining b/c very little would be understood from the outside.

After the fight, we managed to wind up in a room, sitting down, having a MAJOR heart to heart. It was unreal.

He looked at me with so much love. i haven't seen that specific look in his eyes for just under 3 years. It was intense!

I asked him WHY did he cheat on me? He said "because someone was paying attention to me" with the saddest little voice.
My heart completely broke for him. it really did. This doesn't discount the rage and anger, betrayal, judgment, accusation, etc.. that I felt after I found the FUCKING letter on my floor, but I could see his pain.

For the first time in forever, he said he was sorry for my sadness with true sincerity. He wasn't spitting the words out on a technicality.

I know that what he did was wrong, but I am not able to blame him 100%. First, his wife has a baby after a terrible pregnancy that was totally unexpected. She then gets PPD and continue on with this, unknowingly, for several years. She then, a year later, joins the Hare Krishna temple and dumps celibacy into the marriage. After that, drops another baby into the mix and then FREAKS out completely. I turned away from him on so many levels. I totally abandoned him. No WONDER I was having abandonment issues! I was doing it to him.

We separate, I go with another man (barely works for 3 weeks) and then he goes with another woman.

side note

I met her after a 3 hour long session of NLP (counseling) and I looked like crap. (dammit!! Couldn’t I have looked amazing??)
I acted like such an ass!
When I found out that I was (forced) going to meet her b/c she showed up at his house while he had the kids, I called my friend and said “what the HELL do I do??” She said for me to be as nice as I possibly could. If ash was bad mouthing me, she would think HIM to be the ass, because, gosh darn it, Katie is just sooo sweet!! I loved this manipulative tactic!! (mmmmmwahahahah)

So, I did this. I was so nice when I met her, but I have to admit that what I did was beyond my control, yet I tried to control it in a very subtle manner.
I next to peed all over the room! I totally staked my territory and made it very, very, very clear that this was MY family and it was maybe a temporary toy for her, but it was MINE!
I curled up under the blanket and nursed OUR baby. I spoke affectionately about our family’s choice to have out own last name and that ash and I were planning on soon changing ours. Reminisced about days gone by in the Blue clan. Ahhh.. what a piece of work I was that night!

Well, when I met her, I nearly clawed his eyes out! Follow me, if you will… Her name is Arrow (blech), works in a trendy clothes/make up store, hair dyed in that crazy colour red, hip hop/alterna styley clothes, (bad acne) cute little hello Kitty wallet with cute little stars all over it, funky “I don’t push strollers and play in the park” shoes and, la piece de resistance, FAKE MOTHER FUCKING NAILS!!!!

That KILLED me!! The only problem this little girl had in the world was feeding her damn cat and paying her cel phone bill. Seriously!!

But I thought.. Ok, I can see why they might get along.

She then stood up to go to the bathroom and my eyes zeroed in on what her skinny ass body was hiding. Her backpack. WHATTHEFUCK!!

I turned to him
Me: “is she sleeping over?”
Him (cowering) “yes”
Me to kids “say by to daddy. We have to go”.

I RAN the hell outta there with him chasing me trying to make things cool, without her figuring anything out. I went home and cried.

The next morning he called on my cel phone and I railed that sorry bastard for 19 minutes. I was SCREAMING so much that I lost my voice!

How could he be with her? HER?? Fake-nails Arrow? HOWWWW!!!
The REASON I looked like this was because I was raising HIS kids! HIS kids!! Return me to my life previously and you darn well bet I’d be off boogying all night in the clubs, hello fucking kitty wallets and cool shoes. NO WAY on the nails, tho… Never.

This fucking sucked and he knew it.

Well, she was gone the next day. (ya.. ya.. ya..)

Anyways, we have been put into a position where he needed to move back in to support us. How lucky am I? The guy is willing to give up his freedom to move back in and support me and my bad attitude.

I am forever on the path of trying to be perfectly honest with myself and live in truth. How happy would I truly be if I conned myself into thinking that he was 100% wrong for doing what he did? Not very.

The TRUTH was that he was in pain and he had reached out to me but I wasn’t’ there for him. Not after the first baby was born. Not after the second and not when he got sick and was on anti depressants.

I really let him down.

Anyways, after seeing him look at me like that yesterday, I realized that this truly is just a small portion of our 50 year marriage.

“Remember, Katie, when we were in our late 20’s and we were so awful to each other?”

I really love him.

Well, until he fucks up again…

Then, I’ll prolly love him again.

2002-04-30T10:05:00.000-07:00

you know, when a certain few people die I really hope there is more to their eulogy than "she was really popular on the internet and got lots of ((((((hugs))))))."

2002-04-30T09:29:00.000-07:00

so, the girl is now a

REIKI MASTER!!!!!!!

I am sooooooo happy! I haven't done any treatments yet, but sterling, true to my wishes, will be my first student. How cool!

2002-04-30T09:28:00.000-07:00

10 ACCEPTABLE TIMES FOR "F" WORD

10. "What the @#$% was that?" -Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -Picasso,

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" -Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" -Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"-Bill Clinton, 1999

And .. . . drum roll . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." Osama bin Laden

I must admit, i did laugh my @#$%^&* (fucking) head off! lol

2002-04-28T17:28:00.000-07:00

i'm yellow

wow.. so INTERESTING!!

looks like the girl is in a loop-d-loop of her very own!

2002-04-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

lol!!!! sterling had his very first brain freeze!! It was so funny! poor kid. he didn't know what was coming when ash was coaxing "take a bigger sip! come on! more!!". i wish I had my camera.

i sometimes worry about the peer pressure that one gets to NOT work out the marriage. He cheated? LEAVE! He looks at porn?? LEAVE!! he doesn't bring home enough money? LEAVE!! you don't get along anymore? LEAVE!

There is so much pressure to end marraiges, it seems...

i am glad that there are pastors like Rhonda's, friends like mine and my spiritual master who INSIST that the marriage stay intact. Now, i don't know where abuse fits into this only that the woman should get herself to a safe place and get into counselling. The Dh must follow suit and get himself some counselling.

I honestly wonder about people who claim to be emotionally abused. i wonder if they, too, are dishing out the vicious words but seem to forget that point when seeking support. I'm sure there are very valid situations where mental abuse is present. In a case like mine, where the fighting can get pretty hurtful, I know that I can be just as nasty as he can but tend to play the victim routine. poor Katie...

We know our partners the best. We know if what they are doing is to hurt us, or because they are hurting.

Such a difficult situationa nd as with most other aspects of our culture, there is very little support.

2002-04-28T15:45:00.000-07:00

This will not be popularily accepted, I'm sure, but these are my feelings on the infidelity post at yaaps:

annonymous

I am so sorry that you are going throug this. i can only imagine the shock of seeing/finding out about your dh's behaviour. i recently found a letter on my floor written to my dh from a girl that he cheated on my with 2.5 years ago. It was hell.

My unpopular suggestion is for you to examine what was going on in his life at the time he put his picture up. I have a friend who this happened to (sans the nudie pic and he lied a bit ;) ) and she was willing to acknowledge that her dh was going through a very, very difficult time in his life and needed some sort of human validation. Men do operate on a more sexual level than women, for the most part. This is how they feel loved, attractive, manly...

This is by no means an excuse or behaviour to be excused but I feel that trying to understand the other person's motivation helps one not feel so shattered and possibly help build the family back up.

Maybe your dh is feeling low. Maybe he needs to feel validated. Maybe by going on the net, he was attempting something without crossing any physical boundaries? Maybe he is an ass and was trying to devastate the whole family?

in any case, I hope you, for YOUR sake, try to understand why he did this. If he KNEW there were boundaries being crossed by doing this, then that is another story. That is deliberately hurtful. I really don't see the difference between viewing porn and engaging in cyber sex. I don't do or like either, but from my perspective, they are in the same boat.

if he is a mean spirited person and you feel that htis was to hurt the family, then i see no hope. But if somethign very bad was going on inside of him, he needs your support, through thick and thin.

wishing you much peace and strength through this challenging time in your vows...

2002-04-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

you know... i am so sick of crying. My mucous membranes flare up at the slightest sign of problem. My body startes crying before I even know that I am upset. I just want to run away and make sense of my life. Why am i afraid of walking away? Why don't I just ignore the shitty parts and pretend that everything is fine?

What am I fighting for?
My marriage? nope... he cheated.
our family? it will never disolve. He is too involved as a dad to only be here once a week.
Him supporting me? well... that could be it. Maybe I'm doing this because I dont' want to go to work and have some other person raising my kids. It's not jsut me, either, he also wants the same as I do.

I'm going to get a slurpee, too.

2002-04-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

hi rhonda...

2002-04-27T23:13:00.000-07:00

I hate this.. I behave differently depending on who is lucky enough to be witness to my antics aka life. I hate that!! I re read my blog archives from the beginning and I was like "what the FUCK is all this nicety-nice bullshit?" ahhhhh... katie had a love interest perusing her online diary... What a fucking dork I can be.
Seriously. I was writing for the pleasure of someone else instead of me. Every word and nuance was placed *just so*, enabling me to communicate this crush to this innocent, cute, single, younger, stacked, available, funny, liking me person. What a FUCKING dork!!
Seriously, I was acting (and feeling) all moomoo eyed and giddy. Swinging my legs back and fourth during our phone calls, pretending to be breathless when he called, bumping into him while walking, thinking (or making) every sneeze was about me (barenaked ladies song), laughing at all the STUPID jokes, taking interest in things that seriously did not interest me, making tons of plans together, getting the crap kicked outta me in martial arts, dancing daily to that nasty Zalza music (nasty with a capitol N wink wink) . LOL!!!! WHAT A DORK!! (Is there another word that comes nearly as close as this one to describe my shenanigans?? I think NOT!!).

Now, I am happy to say that apart from Krista, what's her name, Sheryl, what’s her face, Tanya, Rebecca-smarty-pants and AM, I don’t' have a clue who is reading this poppycock and I am not currently plotting each word. I feel free.. free like William Wallace with a breeze up my Kilt!!

freeeeeedom

(when reading that word, please roll the letter *r* in the appropriate Scot way. thank you. Jesus and I love you. :D )

Anyways, taking a stroll down memory lane was NOT cool. But one thing I noticed from my earlier claptrap was that I appeared to be all lovey dovy. I appeared content and well adjusted. HMMM…. So, who wins? The ever positive, life-is-like-a-box-of-chocolates Katie or the current I feel like crawling in a corner and playing solitaire until the next sunburst lightens my way katie?

Well, it’s not like I was lying and PRETENDING TO BE SOMEONE I AM NOT back then. It’s just that I notice that I often work only if I have incentive. Well, some might call it motives, but that sounds so cold… I gotta be meeeeee! I gotta be meeeeee!
Lol.. sigh.

What a dork

2002-04-27T23:01:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with what proved to be a very frustrating conversation with my Turrets syndrome; anxiety-attacking, station-wagon drivin', incense burnin, weight liftin' ex-whateverthehell is was we were doing a year ago, for a month, together, boyfriend. Have one of those? Gak... just saying that really makes me shiver. In a not-good-don't-get-out-the-olive-oil kinda way.

He is a red neck, racist, foul mouthed, perverted old man and he smokes!! BLECH!! But he dresses really cool, has neat piercings, tattoos, is actually quite sweet and loves his kids dearly. This conversation was frustrating b/c it mirrored every single other late night chat we’ve had in the last 4 months since he ditched the 40 yo abortion working, pot smoking, trendy dressin' red head.

An excerpt, for your reading pleasure.

J-“I’m lonely, Katie. I’m old, tired, not funny and I wanna get laid”.
K- “Well, cowboy, (it’s all in the hips.. it’s all in the hips..) you could ditch the red neck racist humour..”
J-“I am NOT racist!! I have friends from ALL races! I am just thumbing my nose at society by making these jokes. My best friend is a chink.. err... of chinese descent, I was in a 3rd world country where I was treated like a 2nd class citizen…” blahblahblah-dedy-fucking-blahblah

This happens every other Friday or Saturday night and twice a week on the leap year. He pisses and moans about nonsense bullshit that really is killing any ability for him to appear attractive.
Getting laid is not the focal point of meeting someone. It isn’t the ‘70’s man.

Blah… that was a big huge waste of my time where I could have been picking my nose, or scrubbing the lint trap in the dryer or something. Well, that’s not a good excuse.. I could have been doing that anyways…

2002-04-27T19:06:00.000-07:00

pre-amble

what john wayne did before he walked

2002-04-27T14:13:00.000-07:00

when someone types "LOL" are they really laughing? is it similar to saying "that's funny" versus actually laughing?

2002-04-27T12:48:00.000-07:00

can someone please tell me how to make depression go away? and don't tell me to stop calling ash an asshole b/c that ain't gonna happen any time soon. Sadly, i don't say it to his face... Just here, locked behind the WORLD WIDE WEB. har har har...

Shit, if I knew my partner had an online diary, I'd be all over that shit in a second, but mind you... I also cracked his cel phone code and found out tons of interesting shit there....

2002-04-27T12:45:00.000-07:00

allrighty then... I have more lipstick and eyeshadow than any one woman could use. The weird thing is that I dont even WEAR eyeshadow!! Hardly, anyways. I do not have one of those faces that decorates nicely. I tend to look like a bit of a clown when I do too much. My friend, manoharini, however, can go full steam and look amazing! I have more of an earthy, classic look than she does. She can use herself as a canvas to decorate whereas I just look like an idiot who went shopping.

I bought myself an east indian gold set of jewellery and a silver one. That includes bangles, gaudy necklace, earrings, anklets, nose to ear thingy and tika. i enjoy getting dolled up but I prefer to do it more classicaly and subtely. less is more, i say!

I wear toe rings, ankle bells (there is a an old story about me wearing ankle bells and rolling around in bed with ash when we were newly dating. My roomamte was in the other room laughing her head off. I never really lived that one down. There was also the time that she had to come to my room to get the olive oil.. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I don't believe I just wrote that... gak!) I wear tulsi beads (resembles sandalwood beads, but hollier) around my neck, nose ring and stud, on occasion rings which are enblazoned with the OM symbol (found to the right of your screen, here). I sometimes wear the classic 3 strands of tulsi beads and I have a fancy dress up set which is tulsi mixed with gold seed beads. i also made a HUGE amount of tulsi necklaces with various czech cut glass beads. Very royal!!

I'll be selling those at the Beltane Bash next weekend. Ash told me that they would be very popular as I am totally out of the "cool" loop and haven't the foggiest fucking clue what is chic (pron: sheeek) right now. i bitterly call him a fashion victim. Hip hop styley 17 year old... PULL YOUR PANTS UP!! YOUR 30 YEARS OLD and as much as you would like to think so, you are NOT fred Durnst.

2002-04-27T12:30:00.000-07:00

My right big toe joint is totally frozen, my left big toe joint has another cyst on it, my right pinkie toe is outta place and ashley is an ASSHOLE!!!!!

I'm going out gardening now for the first time this year and I'm scared outta my wits.

And ashley is an ASSHOLE!!!!!!

2002-04-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have this kid… he has the oldest, deepest most loveable eyes I have ever seen. His eyes remind me of a deer. Sterling is so sensitive and psychic it sometimes scares me. He just KNOWS shit. I’m glad that before I had kids I had this realization that one of the biggest crimes you can commit against a child is to lie to them.

Now, I may take a moment to figure out how to say something so that it doesn’t traumatize and scar him for life, but I still manage to get the truth out. “Why is she crying, Katie?” (Yes, my name is Katie, even with the kids) “Well, sterling, her husband has been legally forced to stay away from the kids because he hits them and the oldest child filed a complaint with the ministry. She is upset because her plans are all screwed up now”. Strike that… “Well, sterling, she is upset because something she wanted didn’t turn out and now she is just finding out that big plans are changing. She is really sad and probably scared.”
He accepted this and went about his day.

Had I lied to him and said “there is nothing wrong” or minimized her behaviour, (yes, there is the letter * U * in behaviour) this would screw up his senses. I just totally feel that his is the worst mind-fuck you can pull on a kid in terms of long-term growth. Teaching a person that their instincts and eyes are wrong is a horrible thing to do.

This is a tool that I use in my life. I have a level of education and I have found that more and more, I toss it out the window and opt for my instincts. I listen to what is being said, I feel the emotions, and then I listen to what I get form all my other senses. 6th one being most applicable here. In Reiki we call them guides. I am able to see through a lot of the fluff and get to the core. Well, I’d like to say ME, but it isn’t really me. I have just been afforded the ability to listen to my guides. They don’t manifest as a different voice in my head or a colour or a light. It is just a thought that occurs to me that I didn’t’ have moments before but I can only hear this thought if I get realllllly quiet. I know this is real because before I had reiki, I couldn’t do this. I was too clouded over.

Getting to know sterling, even during my pregnancy, I could see that he was very special. Not only special because he is MY (as all mothers know) son, but because there is something about him. There always has been. Chaya doesn’t have this. She will get through life by her wit and brawn, my little jock, she will. But sterling will feel his way through life and make decisions based on his internal radar more so that his external senses. Always knowing this about my child, I am very happy that I was programmed in such a way that I knew lying was the most criminal act that could happen to a child.

Sure, physical abuse, etc,,, is up there, but to destroy a child’s sense so that they are crippled out in the big world when they venture out is the most selfish, wrong, unjust, unfair, horrible very bad thing one could do to a child.

Well, I believe in al the subtleties, too. Like conception in a pure consciousness, vegetarian diet, natural, blissful, peaceful birth, exclusive nursing, family bed, non-circ, non vax, gentle communication, allowing the child to explore it’s surroundings, not limiting them, following their lead, and up and up… I believe in all these things but the strongest gift I feel we can give a child is to honour their instincts.

2002-04-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

so sick

2002-04-25T14:56:00.000-07:00

i hate to admit it, but I DID laugh my ass off in Jay and silent Bob strike back. it was funny....

2002-04-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

i had to delete that blond cartoons face. It was like a chopstick in my eye everytime I would see her!

2002-04-25T12:50:00.000-07:00

I had a boyfriend who was very abusive. i was with him for 5 years through high school. The physical abuse was pretty bad but what was worse was the LYING. The lying was a source of major anxiety for me and long after the relationship was over, i was still haunted by these memories. I would have nightmares and he was always the star.

I bumped into him, literally, when chaya was 3 months old. I was walking across the street and he was walking along the building and he leaned over to open the door and I looked up to say thanks and much to my SHOCK, I was looking into the face of a long lost memory.

We went for tea and talked. It stayed light and then I summed up the courage to say to him "you know, you are the cause of my nightmares.” I explained to him what my experiences were and do you know what happened? I never, ever had a single nightmare about him again. To this day, 3 years later, I am no longer plagued by anxiety-ridden dreams with him as main character.

What I realized is that I handed the responsibility back to him, energetically. i believe in the universe and the universe heard me tell him that he was responsible for what was happening to me and because it was right, something was done about it.

I think that we have to be really, really careful about taking other peoples "shit" on.

We are responsible for certain things and when we take on crap that is not ours, it clogs our clarity.

It was an amazing realization for me!

2002-04-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

The internet has been so
effective at spreading the anti vaccine message that it has seriously eroded the
market of the pharmaceutical companies. One tip I would give all of you when
searching for info on the Internet is to add the word Dangers to your search. e.
g. Vaccine dangers,
Vitamin K dangers, antibiotic dangers, hospital dangers. It's amazing the
different direction the search takes.

Gloria lemay

in thinking about all the media coverage Gloria is getting, I think that it is actually unlocking a brand of people who are really interested in the TRUTH> They are able to read between the lines and maybe they didn't even know that a homebirth without the states fingers inside their vaginas was actually possible.

There truly is a silver lining to every chux pad...

It is such a shame that certain midwives are making public displays of attacking one another while the mainstream medicals are laughing at us. We should be banded together instead of attacking each other.

"As consumers of home birth, we urge you to think about the image of the profession of
midwifery. Wouldn't it be better for the public to see you standing up to doctors
and the high cesarean rate than it is to see you directing large sums of money,
time and energy to one small competitor. As parents we don't need your
"protection". Please change the direction of your misguided strategy before you
set childbirth back 25 years in this province."

Gloria lemay in a letter written to the college of restricted midwives. She is so smart!!

2002-04-24T18:25:00.000-07:00

as far as I am concerned, blood is blood

I really need racism explained to me. I don't get it. I do NOT understand how one person, family, group, faith, city, etc... can hate another based on skin colour. Where is it said, fairly and with knowledge, that the white race is better than others? I was raised by a French Canadian WASP and he really had the "nigger" "chink" and "Packie" jokes rolling off his tongue. I had the East Indian accent mastered by the age of 7 while mimicking "thank you very much! Oh My God!" and able to perform to his carpenter crew on command.

My dad wasn't hiding a white hood in his closet and going to clan BBQ's or anything, but his racism definitely made an impression on me. I could see from a very young age that it simply did not make any sense. The only first hand account I have heard where racism made sense to me, although I still did not accept it was when my friend was the victim of a home invasion. He and 4 friends were tied up, beaten, laid on the floor and had a couch tipped over them. They were there for 3 days before someone found them. My friend HATES oriental people. Actually, I don't even think this falls under the umbrella of racISM. (Indicating a philosophy, a system of thought, a way of looking at the world, a value system.) I think it is just trauma. Well, not JUST trauma, but you know... if I was tortured, maybe the last thing I ever saw was a certain persons face, I might have an issue or 4 about it.

I know when I hear the word J-E-N-N-A, I cringe. It's like our body creates a memory and we physically react to it.

ANYWAYS, having worked through that little situation in my mind just there, I can honestly say that I do not have a clear understanding of racism. For white people who have had it relatively easy: Give me a break.

For people of colour (not a designation I like using) or specific religion who have been pushed down (historically), enslaved, imprisoned, tortured, etc... by white people and to this day carry a grudge STOP IT! You are continuing the cycle by keeping it alive. It should never be forgotten but to develop hatred for another human b/c of the colour of their skin and texture of their hair is dangerous.

I saw this talk show once years ago.. Don’t remember which one, but there were kids of the KKK on there and they were spewing the vilest things I had ever heard. At the time I didn't have kids, but I do now and I see that kids do not figure this shit out on their own. After a bit of coaxing from the talk show host, one of the kids started crying. They were being taught to hate and it was hurting those poor kids. This is such an act of selfishness on the parent’s part to teach racism and hate. Mind you, I also think it is hateful when parents feed their kids meat, but that is a previous entry.

I think seeing that show really showed me the purity and innocence of kids. The equality that they naturally acknowledge and function with. These kids did not want to hate. They didn’t understand it. Being told to hate a “nigger” was not a satisfactory explanation, but they were so conditioned, they just surrendered. To a degree.

What a selfish thing to do to limit a child’s experiences in life (within reason) for ones own fears, hates, beliefs etc… I may appear selfish (to some) to limit my kids by not allowing them to eat dead animals but there is a purpose behind my choice. I don’t see the purpose in hate. There is no hate in my kids being fed vegetarian food. I agree that there are hateful vegetarians, but honestly, they are going about it all wrong. We should be propelling ourselves in life with the mode of goodness. Not the modes of passion and ignorance. The flip side of the same coin does not lead us to truth.

What is the point, universally, to being a vegetarian who hates meat eaters? It is maintaining an attachment, which is not healthy.

This ties in very nicely with a strong aspect of Krishna Consciousness. We believe that our consciousness at the time of death determines our next birth. If we die thinking of * A * we come back in our next life as * A * and various other degrees of this belief. Consciousness; KRISHNA (God) Consciousness is what it is all about. If one is a vegetarian who is committed to hating meat eaters, one will suffer the reaction of taking birth in ones attachment. When we die, our consciousness directs our next birth.

There is a story from ancient India, which depicts this scenario:

There was once an old sage who lived in a village and across the street lived a prostitute. Daily, the sage would look upon the prostitute as a low life and curse her. (Some sage) The prostitute revered the sage as a great man of God. She tolerated his cursing b/c she knew what she was doing was wrong and that he was a Holy man. When the sage died, he took a lower birth in consciousness b/c of his attachment to hating the prostitute and she, conversely, took a higher birth b/c of her attachment to a holy person.

This is an example used when we become attached to something. This does not mean do not act. It means realizing that we are not this body, nothing belongs to us and that we must continue to live in a way that purifies us.

2002-04-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

`I saw Driving in cars with boys last night.
EEEEEhhhhhhhh... hmmm... OK. The girl can physically act, but could you open your mouth while speaking in that shitty accent?? Her verbal acting is really really lame.

I only laughed a few times and they did an amazing job of making that Ray-dad guy look like totaly crap at the end.

This movie had potential, but gets a weak 2.5 outta 5.

We also rented Jay and silent Bob's new movie and within the first 2 minutes, all I heard was fuck, fuck, fuck and then there was the FUCK song!!! sheesh!

This was me: "STERLING, TURN THAT OFFFFFFFFFF". I totally was not expecting it to be that bad.

krista, can we work on that template for my dress? pretty please, with beautiful sari's on top? I am totally wiggin out about what I am going to wear at this shin dig.

Merci beaucoup.

Ever heard of Usborn books?

2002-04-24T14:42:00.000-07:00

I signed up for a South African dance class!!!! I am soooo excited! I've wanted to do this for months, but was always to chicken. Today I said "fuck it, I'm signing up!!" and I did. I just hope I have the nerve to actually show up! lol

Not sure why i am nervous. i always feel this way before a big commitment which requires knowledge, money or my body. I am trying to really get past that.

Sterling and chaya passed their swimming levels. I am pretty happy about that as they both had to stay back last block. I also signed my little dramam queen up for acting camp in the summer and chaya in musical munchkins. I feel like such a mama!!

2002-04-23T00:14:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been pulled from my funk. I am sooooo grateful to finally LAUGH and feel good about smiling!! Fuck, this has been unreal and very purifying. I realize, now, twice in a row what has pulled the clouds away from my head. Now, I just need to not get too familiar and maintain my standard.

Today, I also realized that I really, really REALLY do want to be with Ashley. He is the father of my babies and as soon as I get over myself and treat him gently and with the respect that he deserves, only then will things improve between us. He isn't "some guy". He is my husband and the father to my kids. Till death do us part, through thick and thin, better or for worse. Period.

I really needed to get off the victim bandwagon and work from a place of truth within myself. Sure, he’s been a shit but the question is WHY has he been a shit? He is threatened somehow. So, I need to strike the balance of making him comfortable simultaneously keeping my needs met. This will take time, effort and perseverance. I feel committed to it and I feel that I can see where the breakdown was. I am honestly frustrated that it always feels like I have to be the adult and figure this shit out, but what can be done?

I am glad that I have a man that is very committed to his kids and is willing to go along with most of my hair brained schemes.

2002-04-23T00:05:00.000-07:00

Here is a letter (slightly altered for the sake of non-devotee clarity) I wrote to my spiritual master, asking for guidance in humility and breaking the news to him that Ashley had cheated on me…

Ashley has moved back home. I hope that it works well. 2 months ago I found out that he had an affair after Chaya was born. I found a very graphic letter the woman had written to him on the floor in my living room. It evidently had fallen out of a book where he had put it.
This has been rather challenging to move through, but I keep trying to fulfill the higher purpose. Lose the battle to win the war, so to speak.
I don’t blame him 100% at all. In fact, it happened at a very challenging part of his life when he was on anti-depressant medication and he probably needed anything to make him feel worthy. I am just hurt about all the lies and trusting that it won’t happen again. Also, right after a baby is born is a very vulnerable time for a mother.
I have made a big effort to not treat him with built up resentment but with respect and love because this is what he deserves and this is also what I want.

I also noted that although this happened over 2 years ago, I found out now at a deeper time spiritually. I found out at a time where I could deal with it maturely. I’m not sure what would have happened if I had found out even 6 months ago.

Anyways, the path to keeping the Blue family together is still being paved, one stone at a time.

Humility……

I have been struggling with a certain aspect of my life. Humility is something that seems to be asserting itself in my life and I need help in dealing with it.
How does one TRULY develop humility? Humility in the day-to-day manageable, safe, sense? I find that I struggle with my ego and pride in the face of others. Not that it comes from a place of extreme confidence but of fear of being attacked. There seems to be an attachment to safety for me, but it is a part of the process, I guess.

I am noticing this more and more on the forefront as I come closer to the devotees at the temple. In becoming more serious, it would seem that one is more open for criticism and judgment. How do I stay humble? How do I accept criticism without my brain saying “well, what about YOU!!??” I don’t want this running through my mind. It is dangerous and very useless. I also understand the word “purification”.

I have an even more intense protection of my kids. I take thoughtful and good care of my babies and when something is said, I am very critical as to who is giving the advice. I, practically, know that I should accept all advice as it is a means of becoming a better devotee/mother/human/servant, etc… but I get so stuck.

I am noticing this as I move closer in to the circle of devotees and I would like to find my place, comfortably, for everyone. I don’t want to be caught up in my mind with unnecessary garbage. I also don’t see myself folding my hands and saying “thank you, Prabhu” (master) artificially, as I sometimes see being done. Maybe I need to “fake it till I make it”?.

There seems to be an art to humility and I would like to learn it so that I may serve the people in my life instead of getting lost in the junk in my brain.

This isn't a huge external problem, but it is big internally. I don't have many conflicts with people, but when I do, I try to be very fair about it in my dealings, for both of our sakes. I just don't want to give the impression that I am having run in after run in. That isn't the case.

There have been a few instances that alerted me to the fact that I need guidance in this area.

2002-04-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

true meaning of friendship

To me friendship means pushing each other through purification. Not pushing in the pushy sense but NOT placating one another. I don't get use out of a friendship where sunshine is being blown up my ass. I had a friend or 2 like this and I couldn't bear it. I didn't get an objective point of view on myself b/c these people were so committed to being "polite" that the point of the friendship was totally lost to me. I'm not criticizing the fact that these people are being nice, but it is nice to a fault. What good is a friendship if you can't take that friend aside and say "hey. Stop being an ass". That is an extreme example. I wouldn't use that language in the moment.

I realized that tonight when I was out with my friend. His marriage just broke up and something really heavy happened where his kids were taken from him. He hit his stepdaughter (14) in the face really hard 2 weeks ago. She rightfully called the authorities and he has been punished. He is not allowed to see them (4 kids) for 3 months and at the end of this evaluation period it will be revised as to whether he is allowed to have visitation, etc…
In the mean time, he is getting serious counseling in anger, himself personally and life skills. I (and others) TOLD him, loudly and clearly, that he should NOT, under any circumstances, hit his kids. I also told him that if he hits his girls, they will turn around and just find a boyfriend to hit them b/c this is what they have learned. And that cycle just perpetuates itself. I had to put my friendship on the line and get heavy with him. Although my cause was right, lawful and moral, I still risked my friendship by putting my neck on the chopping block.
Sadly, he justified his behaviour, but the legal system taught him his lesson. It is really too bad that he didn’t have the humility and insight to listen to sound advice. It took the heavy hand of the law to rescue these kids and aid him in becoming a better father/man/husband. Humility also ties in with this. Had he humbly heard the advice given to him, he could have plugged it into his computer (brain) and digested it, but his ego forbade him to do this. He had to get kicked in the teeth to “get it”.

I think encouragement is a really useful way to be truthful with one another, but that isn’t always possible. Sometimes we need to admonish one another to get the point across. It also takes trust to allow someone to go the distance with us. First, do we trust the person to actually GO the distance and second, do I trust myself to go the distance. Third, do I trust this person to see me for who I AM and not my actions. To not judge, break confidence, shame, blame and harm. There is so much tied up and at stake in a true friendship where both parties are pushing one another, kicking and screaming, towards truth.

2002-04-23T00:03:00.000-07:00

letter to the newspaper about birth stats

This letter was written by the lovely Leilah McCrcken from the Birthlove website to our local provincial newspaper:

(Full of valuable birth stats and references)

To the Province Editor:
>
>Thanks for running the feature on birth alternatives in BC (4/21/02). But go
>the distance: say what the real risks and dangers are of the hospital way of
>birth.
>
>C-sections, which approaching 1 in 4 BC women get, make women up to 16 times
>more likely to die in childbirth,(1) and are not medically indicated in over
>7% of cases.(2) Chemical inductions, which at least of half of BC women
>receive, are far more painful to the mother, and says the "bible" of
>obstetrics: "Oxytocin is a powerful drug, and it has killed or maimed
>mothers through rupture of the uterus and even more babies through hypoxia
>[lack of oxygen] from markedly hypertonic [too powerful and long] uterine
>contractions".(3) Epidural anesthetic, which in some centers at least 90% of
>women receive, are known to greatly increase the risk of birth complications
>like shoulder dystocia(4) and fetal distress, and will lead to cesarean
>sections and instrumental (forceps, vacuum extractor) deliveries(5)- which
>carry their own array of dangers to mothers (pelvic floor difficulties,
>lifelong hemorrhoids, injuries) and babies (disability, permanent nerve
>damage, death). Episiotomies are done in over half of BC births- and they
>are not medically proven to be beneficial; in fact, cutting a woman's vagina
>open in birth has been proven in paper after research paper to be deeply
>detrimental to a woman's birth, body and emotional well-being.(6) They are
>done as a matter of medical habit. Childbirth has been taken over medically
>without any regard for evidence-based medicine or women's physical
>integrity.(7) Drugging and cutting women is the traditional way of hospital
>birth.
>
>You painted the women who choose to give birth outside of the medical model
>and support Gloria Lemay as "zealots". We are women passionately concerned
>about protecting ourselves and our babies from unnecessary harm. I had five
>births within the BC medical system, and in every one of them I was put at
>needless risk of injury through interventions, as were my babies. Healthy
>women would give better birth in caves than in BC hospitals- at least in
>caves there are none of the toxic drugs, hazardous protocols and surgical
>steel implements that cause so much harm; harm that women are led to believe
>are lifesaving and beneficial instead of just plain bad medicine. It is
>actually with a zealous religiosity that women support and defend their
>medicalized births. Some babies need to be born in the hospital, yes; but
>projecting the needs of the few onto the vast majority causes more harm than
>is comprehensible.
>
>References:
>1) Sultan AH, Stanton SL. Preserving the pelvic floor and perineum during
>childbirth- elective caesarean section? Br J Obstet Gynaecol 1996; 103:
>731-734
>2) Enkin M, Keirse M Renfrew M, Neilson J A Guide to Effective Care in
>Pregnancy and Childbirth, second edition, Oxford University Press, 1995
>3) Cunningham et al. 1989: 345 from the 18th edition of Williams Obstetrics
>4) Thorp JA, Meyer BA, Cohen GR et al. Epidural analgesia in labor and
>cesarean section for dystocia. Obstet Gynecol Surv 1994; 49(5): 362-369
>5) Thorp JA, Hu DH, Albin RM, et al. The effect of intrapartum epidural
>analgesia on nulliparous labor; a randomized, controlled, prospective trial.
>Am J Obstet Gynecol 1993; 169(4): 851-858
>6) Woolley RJ. Benefits and risks of episiotomy: A review of the
>English-language literature since 1980. Part II. Obstet Gynecol Survey 1995;
>50:821-835.
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Leilah McCracken